Beyond 20/20

Learning Photography

2012-01-21T22:29:00.000-08:00

My Beau and I. Photo by Chopper

For quite some time, I looked at schoolmates and friends who have their own digital camera with little envy. The closest I am to owning a camera was my sister's GE point and shoot.

Last January 19, I was told to go to the airport to meet with someone who has the camera sent for me. I was a very cautious since there have been stories about people who were requested to bring something for the relative of their co-workers running away with the packages that were never meant to be theirs. I am also worried about the camera sent. I have no idea about the brand or model of the camera. In my head I was wishing for a Nikon, but a Canon would also be fine. My partiality to Nikon emerged because I usually borrow a friend's Nikon DSLR for my photography class.

When I got the package, I had in my hands a Canon EOS 1000D which I named Beau.

I brought Beau to school the next day since the university intramurals will end with the cheerdance competition where many classmates participate in.

As expected, I had problems in adjusting to the lighting since the weather was a bit fickle. One minute the clouds covered the sky and the next, the sun was shining bright. When I moved to a different place or indoors, I keep forgetting to change the settings to take advantage of the light.

It was pretty confusing. At times, I felt so dumb for forgetting. I am a beginner. And I am willing to learn more.

Welcome, 2012

2011-12-31T18:45:00.000-08:00

Let me share how we spent the New Year's Eve in pictures.

A simple table setting for the celebration
I thank my Brother for the napkin(tubao) folding.

Chicken and Tuna Onigiri (Japanese Rice Balls), Beef Curry and Cold Somen Salad - Yum!
add Frozen Yogurt and Fruits and we have a wonderful feast!

Lighting up the sky with sparklers while the rest can burn thousands of pesos on fireworks

Closer

2011-12-28T01:56:00.000-08:00

Resting by the lake, my brother and sister who guided my steps as we walk back up

Usually, it is the hardships the binds people closer together. Sharing the struggles and fighting against it to survive can open our eyes to the people who share the same goals. And during those problems, those who either offer their hand, give encouragement or simply, cheer you on, are the people whom you should look up to and not forget. They are the ones who shares your success.

After a few mornings when we can barely get up due to the cold, my siblings and I mustered the strength to wake up early to walk to the lake. The trek will be an hour of downward slopes and winding roads. It definitely is a challenge for our legs as we are going to try keeping our balance most especially when the descents are steep.

I walked to the lake once when I stayed during the semestral break. You don't really get tired to easily when you walk to the lake. Probably, the cool climate helps a lot. The problem will be walking back. Instead of steep descents, you will be facing the reverse.

I haven't tried walking back from the lake to my mother's church. Because it is really hard. I don't have enough stamina to do so. It definitely is hard to drag 90 kilos upward.

That morning, I wanted to much to look for a tricycle that would bring us back up. I was breathing hard. I can feel my chest pounding. But my brother and sister said "No." They want to walk up if they can. My sister will join me if I get a trike. But my brother wants to keep going. That time, I wanted to hate my brother for the guilt-trip.

It must be fate that decided not to send any vehicle to help me from my misery. So, together, we climbed to the top. There were stops along the way to catch our(well, mostly mine,) breaths.

After 45 minute, I can see the church near a ravine. We were closer to where we started. And in this trek when the choose not to give up on me, we became closer.

Let Me Make A Wish

2011-12-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

Lights from the Ayala Triangle Gardens

Christmas is so near. Yet, I don't feel it that much. The weather in Manila remain warm even if the temperature has been lower. At home, the only decor we have is a a sinamay decor that we used on the stairs of the old house we rented. No lights, no trees, no wreaths or lanterns.

I got gifts from exchange gifts from Christmas parties at school, work and church. I was part of a Christmas cantata and even designed the backdrop. Yet, I still don't feel it.

I guess, the idea of how commercialized Christmas has been dampened my feelings toward the celebration. Perhaps, the idea of how much problems the country is facing prevents me from having a really Merry Christmas. And worse, witnessing what was going on the church I'm attending adds despair from my already down spirits.

Amidst all the merrymaking and holiday rush around, I cannot join the people around them. I cannot think of gifts, parties and enjoying the holidays. Not when the distorted perception of the holiday lingers and is instilled in the minds of the majority. Not when the government decides based on vested interests. Not when the people who are preaching God's words are the ones who are not following it.

For this season, I am not wishing for the material things (though I need them in my studies). I wish for compassion. I wish for unity. I wish for a greater understanding. I wish that that once again, people may see that Star in Bethlehem and understand the message of Christ's birth.

I wish for peace. I wish for love.

Project Lost

2011-12-19T17:23:00.000-08:00

I lost an assignment from work. It feels like hell. The problem is, I can still finish the job but I know I will be late. But knowing that I will send it past the deadline made me give up. Then, I realized that many of my colleagues have been sending works late.

I need to get back on track.

Repetition

2011-12-12T17:47:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wish that I could write and speak like that. I wish that I can find the right words and ways to express what I feel and what I know without just saying them. I hope that I could write poetry the way they can.

Caffeine+Sweets

2011-11-23T18:02:00.001-08:00

Adi(pencilslaugh), Aiza(aizafalconi) and I woke up early for a Congress on Social Media and Cyber-Ethics. While I listened to the speakers, the two (they admitted it) took a nap.

Though I did not enjoy sitting in for a long time, I was happy to attend the said event. I learned a lot from the speakers. And yes, it was the second time I hear Kara David talk.The first time was during the Comguild Convention where she discussed making documentaries. This time she expressed her thoughts on their campaign Think Before You Click and on Cyberbullying.

After that activity, we decided to bond over Iced Cafe Mocha, Red Velvet Hot Cocoa and Ice Blended Mocha Latte. We talked a lot on random things, so I decided to film them talking. I plan to edit the video clip and post it online. And yes, I don't think the video has something we should be ashamed of. :3

Soon, I got an SMS from Chopper(paresatbp) to meet with him in Cafe Noriter.

Too lazy and impatient to wait, I decided that we should meet him at Becky's Kitchen where he is buying a cake for a friend. We, the three of us, walked under the blistering heat of the sun. That time, I seemed to forgot that I don't have a good sense of direction. I rely on maps+instructions. We ended up walking around a block with Chopper nowhere in sight.

After the long hike, we went in the shop and enjoyed the ambiance brought by its interior. When Chopper appeared at the door, we moved to a cozier spot and ordered a slice of Swiss Chocolate Cake for Adi, a mug of hot cocoa for Chopper and a plate of waffles and fruit for me.

It was a great day for caffeinated drinks, sweets and bonding moments with quirky friends. We took a lot of pictures, had loads of conversations (both profound and mundane) and had fun in each others company.

Back to the Beginning

2011-11-12T18:12:00.001-08:00

Classes are supposed to start last week. But due to the number of students who still want to enroll, classes were delayed. Wait. It has always been like this in this university. Ugh.

The first days of this semester (and the last days of the past semester) has been in the ass. I am still facing problems with the publication. I do pray that things would get through for the better.

As for my current subjects, 7 majors, I would like to think of the positive. I do think I can handle most of these subjects. Heaven knows how much I want to excel.

A new semester starts and ends... I think after a months, my semester would cease starting. I am not worried. I am looking forward for that time for quite a while.

The Eve of the 31st

2011-10-31T16:15:00.001-07:00

I went home to finish some work. So here I am, alone in the apartment room. Having a late dinner.
It actually is my first time to stay at home alone during this "season." I usually spend these days with my family. But circumstances force me to be here today in solitude.

I do love my family and spending time with them. But there are some time that I want to spend moments like this by my self.

The Lull

2011-10-11T19:07:00.000-07:00

When I not frantically running around to finish the pile of task laid for me, I am given time to reflect. Now, I am asking my self again, why am I so unhappy?

Funny, the moment I decided to start writing about this, a read a post in Facebook about a quote allegedly from the Dalai Lama. It says: “Man…. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

Am I living my life? Am I too anxious for the future?

I am anxious for my future and at the same time, frustrated, still, in my present. I guess, the hectic schedule masks the turmoil inside, the voice in me that keeps yelling "I'm not good enough."

Sometimes I think, people may see this as false humility or a way to fish for compliments. It is never the case. For my age, I seemed to have not accomplish anything. I know there is always room for improvement, but I still wonder, when is the time for me to shine, when will I ever reach my full potential?

Now, I am back to question God as to why am I in this state of uncertainty. Why am I not out of this pit?

I am trying to move forward from the mess I made in the first years of my tertiary education. I am enjoying my second attempt for a Bachelor's Degree. I am trying to be productive in as many ways as possible.

However, my experiences still haunt me today. With my former University so close, I still recall the days when I was proud of my school. I was full of hope then.

Now, all I feel is uncertainty.

My stubborn nature can't let go. I still find ways to make my self miserable as I try to move forward. I still compare my self to the successful people with ages same as mine.

I can't let it go.

I need to be assured that I am doing well. REALLY doing well.

I need to know for certain that I am not running miles towards the wrong direction or worse, to a brick wall.

I need to be sure that I really have potential; that there will be a definite time for me to excel and succeed.

Stubbornness and impatience can be a lethal combination. After all those words of encouragement, I still find myself to square one.

Oh, Lord, help me.

Almost Over

2011-10-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

After our instructor said her thank you's after the final video advertisement presentation, it finally sank in. The semester is coming to close.

With only 15 units under me, I marvel at how much patience and hardwork I have to endure for my subjects. I have shot a video, rushed posters, travelled to beats, kicked boards, and studied cases.

Aside from the academic related-tasks, I had to cross a wall of tasks bestowed upon me due to positions I hold in the organizations I'm in. I have created print ads, a commemorative logo and a set design, and also, covered events for the publication.

The semester is almost over. But I still have articles to write and to check. I still have two news articles to submit. I still have a final exam to hurdle.

(I guess I'll write a longer one when it really is over.) :3

Chronicles of a Student Journalist: In A Room Full of Media Practitioners.

2011-10-07T15:18:00.000-07:00

The clock stroke 10. I bolted out our apartment unit as quickly as possible and headed to the train station. My strides were short but swift. At the same time, my heart beat faster. And it is not because I get tired too easily.

After five stations, I walked to the venue of the press conference.

I can feel butterflies running amok in my stomach the moment I saw the set up. I was so amazed that I am in a press conference. It is like living the life of the journalist. The anxiety partially subsided when two of my classmates arrive. They arrived a few minutes ahead of the Kapuso network van with Kara David in it.

When the press conference was about to start, we went inside the room where the cameras have already been set up, and the table for the cabinet secretary had been prepared. I found myself inside the room of working journalists. It was really intimidating considering that I am at a loss for works as to what am I doing there and how should I act or what should I do while there.

After announcing the information from their office, questions followed. Initially I had questions in my head, but the reporters/journalists already asked them. I had another question in mind but I never had the guts to ask the question.

When we left, (after my classmate mustered courage to ask for a picture with Kara David) I kept on asking myself why didn't I become brave enough to speak. That is what our careers require...

I guess, it would take time especially for a socially awkward person like me.

It definitely is one memorable experience.

Connections

2011-09-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

Each one in this world is connected to each other through a web of interconnecting relations. Somewhere in the world, you are connected to someone through a series of relationship from acquaintance to friends to family. And as you meet more people, the connections become stronger, closer.

New people. For a self-proclaimed socially awkward person, I find it hard to communicate and befriend people who I don't know. Usually, I rather keep quiet when among strangers. I prefer not to start a conversation. I answer only when asked. Words would only come out of my mouth only when necessary. When with a friend, I usually say my comments and thoughts only to that person.

~~But times do change.~~ There will be changes but some parts will remain intact that no matter how one tries to change it, it will still be there.

E-mails + Lack of Sleep

2011-09-15T09:23:00.001-07:00

I feel that I need to share what I typed in the email I sent to a schoolmate:

I usually add a formal note telling the recipient of what this email contains. But since it’s already 12:16AM and I am too lazy to type something decorous, I will add a whole lot of gibberish. Pardon the insanity. It’s just me. gbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyektgbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyektgbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyektgbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyektgbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyektgbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyektgbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyektgbvjdfgjsblsguihfkljslfbkntuw t4oi57bfcmd ngtnypousgbfhbo rgjdiprm4 br ndfkg fkjashfiogdm fksdhfuebvtnt fgkhfuoyfoegjbeitgsipbymb byfoierhghrgpsdgnoeyhpg0dhuein6k3h6i hntipt ogreiyekt.

Still LOL-ing. :3

Three Years Ago

2011-09-12T00:29:00.000-07:00

Ooooh, look at what I found saved as draft in this blog. A conversation from exactly three years ago. XD

MdC: parang hindi tumatanda si sarah brightman
FKP: hahaha oo nga... nkakatakot ... JOKE
MdC: oo nga e..
FKP: do u think... she's...
MdC: mas bata pa sya tingnan ngaun kaysa sa mga lumang pics
FKP: you know...
FKP a vampire?
MdC: LOL
MdC: si andrew lloyd webber mukha ng lolo
MdC: di ba ex nya un
FKP: theres only one way to find out... tapatan natin ng salamin.
FKP: ooooooookay, FKP, stop sniffing ethanol
FKP: ugh.... shucks... busted
MdC: okay.. flush.. the contents of that bottle
MdC: then, walk away
FKP: DO NAT WANT
FKP: ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US
MdC: stop being a brat
FKP: i want ethanol
MdC: don't let me go there and drag you away from that bottle
FKP: me wantsssss ethanol... preciosssss
FKP: *precioussssssssss
MdC: adik nga, namali na ang spelling..LOL

Random Musings On a Rainy Day: Familiar Faces

2011-09-10T05:49:00.001-07:00

It came unexpected - seeing the faces that I have shared an office/room with around two years ago.

I walked from our apartment building to the police station to gather updates for a class the next day. With a long umbrella in my right hand, I quietly trod the damp streets of Manila in sure swift steps.

A few meters away from my destination, I noticed a man talking to his companion pointing at my direction. To my surprise, the man, and his companions, are my former co-workers in the photography studio two years back.

They were headed home from a shoot in a college within the vicinity. It was in the same college where we had a shoot whem I experienced soaking my lower extremities to murky waters the rose on the streets after the downpour of Typhoon Ondoy (International Name: Ketsana) as I headed home.

It, indeed, has been two years. Between the years of going AWOL from the job until now, I wonder how much I have accomplished.

I have been jobless for months after leaving (or not showing up for the next shoot of) the company. From that time until the end of summer, I decided to finish a Bachelor's degree and took Mass Communications.

I wanted, then, to work part-time while studying but I feared the process of applying for a job. I still do. I don't like the idea of trying to please somebody when you are too much of a cynic and a pessimist to actually think of your strengths. I always think that I could never be good enough to be hired even in the fields that I like - writing and art.

I suck at interviews. My brain tends to wander off to a different land or dimension. My ears has the tendency to block too much words that I care less about. My mouth usually does not coordinate well with my brain. And I think I either appear too smug, too nonchalant or too dense - traits that any employer would disapprove of.

I wondered, then, how did I end up with that job. I was brazen enough to pass my resume via the graphic arts institution I've enrolled in. It was a surprise that I was even accepted considering the limited knowledge on photo editing that is highly required in this field.

I assumed, when I got accepted, that I will be working as a graphic artist. However, my fears turned real. They've sense the lack of skills required for the task. I was moved to the shoot area wherein I was tasked to coordinate a student in choosing which photo will they use for their pictorial package.

I was bummed. My idealistic self demanded that I should perform the duties of the job I actually applied for.

When I got sick for a week after one extremely hectic day, I decided not to go to the next shoots.

I planned to hand a resignation letter, which is the right thing to do. But I didn't. The mixture of disappointment and shame kept me from doing the act that exhibits professionalism.

Seeing them brought back the memories of earning my own money. The idea that I no longer depend too much on what my parents can give me is something I long for. At my age, I should be working. I should be able to rely on myself for my needs and wants.

Will I be able to get back the time I've wasted? I know it's not possible. However, my attitude towards a job will change greatly. Besides, finishing a degree may lessen the fears.

I really hope so.

Unconditional

2011-09-06T19:57:00.001-07:00

No qualms
No worries
No conditions
No demands

The sound of your breath
Is the only thing that keeps me alive.

I wish

2011-08-31T22:17:00.001-07:00

Too caught in the web of reality

Too distraught by the threats of uncertainty

I lie awake on my bed
Hoping that everything
is not what it really seems to be

My dreams of fantasy would suck me in
Into the world where I am the heroine
Not just a princess waiting
For her knight in shining armor.

I am whisked away to a land of color
Of mysteries and all sorts of magic
With creature only my mind has seen
And scenes only I could relive.

And maybe I could go back
When visions like these
And thoughts and fantasies are
Just born out of a creative mind.
And the images that plays in my head
Are creations of the imagination
that have gone wild.

And none of those thoughts could trap me
Into wishing something I could never be.
And none of those images could mock me
With the things I should have been.

I lay my head in silence.
As the delusions continue to haunt me.

And I wish. I wish. I continue to wish.

A Sort-of Fairytale

2011-08-31T17:44:00.000-07:00

I couldn't remember if there was ever a fairy tale where in the main protagonists embark on a long and perilous journey probably to save the world from utter devastation or something like that. Or am I thinking of a novel? It wouldn't matter, I suppose, how or where I compare that hour-and-half walk to. All I can think of as I recall that experience is Tori Amos's A Sorta Fairytale.

Since my mom moved to a mission church in Lipa, she always asked us to stay there on weekends. I honestly, am not a big fan of rural areas. I dislike the slow paced life and the critters that lurk even under broad daylight. Also, I cannot stand the distance between me and the computer. But because last weekend of August was extended by two days, I have to grant the request.

When my brother and I got there, my mom keep harping about walking from the parsonage to the lake. The walk will take a hour of treading a winding road with a steep descent.

So, the next day, around seven, we prepared for the walk.

Let me take you to our journey though pictures.

The journey starts now.

My mom and brother leads the way, descending a winding slope.

We look forward to reaching the goal destination.

It is magical how small we feel in the abundance of trees and foliage nature brims full of.

We passed through an array of mahogany trees.

We could see it. We were almost there.

We were not alone on this journey.

Only a few meters away...

The lake that morning was not in its usual calm.

After a few minutes, we said goodbye as we walked back to the church.

The only way is to go up. This is the most challenging part of the journey.

A Brgy. Patrol Jeep saved us from the painful climb.

We are close to home. We passed by a group of people cleaning the place. The community spirit is something we should maintain even in the cities.

Setting my eyes on the lake after that long journey is magical. The walk is breath of fresh air from the bustling city where I live in. I now look forward to returning to that place.

Finding Connections

2011-08-23T18:00:00.001-07:00

I stumblrd upon a blogsite one evening, as I was trying, in vain, to type a new journal entry while visiting my social network sites.

The website, Metro Manila Missed Connections, appears like a part-confession, part-ad of persons in search of the ones whom they felt made an connection through a simple glance or a short conversation as they move along the hustling and bustling cities of Metro Manila.

Lifted from a section in New York's Craigslist, the posts were submitted by both men or women who are showing desire to make that connection again or are simple trying to express how meaningful every second is.

The person maybe someone you've seated next to in the train, or someone who offered you a seat in the packed bus, or a person who've crossed paths with as you run to work or class.

Reading through the posts makes me wonder if there will ever be a time when their paths could ever cross again.

Less Than Enough

2011-08-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

After the grilling over a project proposal which also happens to be our midterm examination, I ended up drained both physically, mentally and emotionally. Our defense was not really that bad, compared to our peers. However, it does not reach the level of excellence which I always aim for. We are still learning the ropes on the area of our possible career. But at the back of my head, I really hoped we had something better. After all, lame excuses have no place here.

Moreover, the feeling that I am less competent that some of my peers who happen to be more than half a decade your than me wears me down. My competitive self never left my system. Either because I am too proud or because I think I should know more than the people several years my junior. Them having more knowledge than me put me in a great disadvantage when looking for jobs.

I am older. I should be wiser. But the circumstances make me second guess myself. Am I?

I Am Not the Girl on Fire

2011-08-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

I am not seventeen.

I don't live with my mother and my younger sister in an extremely impoverished district.

I don't hunt. I don't even know how to use a bow and arrow.

I don't have a hunting partner who becomes my best friend.

I don't have a dad whose voice can make the birds stop singing.

I was not part of an annual brutal "games" that serves as a reminder of the result of a rebellion. Neither did I emerge victorious from such.

I have not been paired with a boy who gave me a spark of hope.

I never lead a rebellion.

I am no Mockingjay.

Reading the epilogue of the last book of The Hunger Games Trilogy left me with mix of grief and happiness. I am glad that the characters already found peace. But, the sadness brought by the memories of those who died and those whom they left behind, and the people who suffered so much because of the problems in their country lingered.

I could not help but to look at how the life of Katniss Everdeen turned out to be. She married the boy who gave her a spark of hope through the burnt loaves.

Katniss did not want/plan to get married due to the hardships in her life, with the Hunger Games a huge contributor to this decision. She had no experience in romantic love. Her love is mostly concentrated on her family. She was even oblivious of the affection of her best friend and hunting partner towards her.

Yet, in the end, she found the person who convinced her to do otherwise, after a period of confusion and denial of her feelings.

I am still baffled by how much I think about this part of the personality of Katniss Everdeen. I guess, the idea of deciding not to marry but ending up with Peeta Mellark strikes me so much. Somehow, parts of me, the cynical bitch who thinks ill of most humans and the hopeless romantic who is in search for her own Peeta Mellark, are at war.

I kept telling myself that I wish that "Mr. Right" would never pass by my way. I have not felt anything more than infatuation or "crush." I haven't even been in a relationship. But there is still a part of me that wishes for Peeta to exist.

Then again, if I found my Peeta, what would happen?

The idea of falling scares me.

I have seen people do crazy things for love. I have seen people fall out of love. I have seen broken families due to a relationship gone awry.

The amount of thought poured into the idea of relationship as an effect of reading those three books bothers me a bit. I do not want this. This should not happen. But what if it did? What if my Peeta Mellark is out there, waiting for me but I am too scared to acknowledge the fact that he even exist.

Okay, I need to stop thinking about this. Ugh. Enough.

Quicksand

2011-08-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

"Kaya kong magligtas mula sa kumunoy... kung magpapaligtas sya" (I can save her from the quick, only if she would let me.)

A college professor, during a class, asked me, in jest, why did I let a her sink into the quicksand. I simply replied, "I cannot do anything about it. I don't control their lives."

Weeks after that incident, I decided to let go. Whether it is only temporary or otherwise, only time could tell. Actually, only she can make me change my mind.

I don't hate her for falling for a guy. I don't hate her at all. I just grew tired of extending a hand of support and care to a person who does not seem to listen.

I do understand that the person to whom you offered your advice has the option to choose whether to accept the it or not. However, considering the number of people who makes the same comments regarding the situation should convince the person involved to think more critically with what they have said.

She, herself, has given me reasons to detest the relationship.

Should I let her sink in the quicksand? Only she can answer that.

For now, I'm sick of giving too much crap about it.

Heartbreak

2011-08-10T03:56:00.001-07:00

I once again hear the voice of a broken heart in my head.

No, the voice isn’t mind. I know I haven’t that way. The closest I got to it, I think, is a fixation towards a persons who excels in a field of my interest or an infatuation to someone who seem to actually give a damn with what I’m thinking or how a feel.

I can feel the pain the words. The simple statement echoes a lot of a wish that things turned out differently, that person to whom he expressed his adoration won’t shun the declaration.

But, I guess, the reaction could not be helped. She seem not share the same degree of love. The confession a bit too sudden. Well, is there any other way that it would not take someone in a surprise. I know she was not expecting it. She sees their relationship in a different eyes.

As an outsider, I could only offer a simple advice. Space. They cannot take back what was said. They need time to sort things out, to calm the waves caused by that tiny bit of revelation, to be able to breathe restricted space caused by the emotions filling up that tiny room.

Do I have the right or the authority to give those words? I haven’t been in a relationship. The last time something like this happened with me met a bitter end of friendship. I think I have the tendency to try help others fix what I cannot fix in my life. I guess, my gut tells me that they deserve better, and that someone watches over them.

At the back of my head, I wonder, is there someone who does the same. Is there someone who actually cares to watch over me? Asking that question makes me feel as vulnerable as the ones I’m trying to protect.

But I cannot let it show.

I won’t let it.

Standards

2011-08-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

In six hours, I'm supposed to be in the university a city away from my current residence. However, I can't get my self to sleep. I chugged a venti cafe mocha a few hours ago and my brain has gone amok. Good thing, I guess, since I needed to write another journal entry. I am now second guessing whether I can make it to this morning's event.

Only few hours after our college organization's acquaintance party ended, I found myself in a discussion over the night's activities. Much that I want to think that the event was actually success, what I've heard from my colleagues tell me otherwise. Honestly, their words reinforced my opinion on what has transpired.

The rented area seemed to not have enough air conditioning devices to maintain a tolerable temperature for an event with around a hundred people. There were not enough seats. The sound system is merely a karaoke machine of some sort- the one you see on cheap KTV's.

The organization officers who were present during the ocular did say that the venue was perfect for the party. Plus points were given for the affordability of the venue. When I got to the venue, I was puzzled. I had no idea how they got to that conclusion. I simply do not understand how they were charmed into the area.

The venue was not the only thing that received flak. There were dissatisfaction over how the program was handled. Someone should have worn an item of clothing to make the performance less... hmm.. revealing. Some people should have considered other people's decision before declaring something. Some parts should have been prioritized more.

I tried not to be too particular on the details of the event. I wanted my hands off the project. Partying definitely is not my thing. However, I cannot overlook the things that others notice. I am working for a group of people. My position in the organization is not for show.

I know myself as a person who sets almost impossible standards. I. now, wonder what the other members of our organization set their standards.

Random Musings On a Rainy Day: Solitude

2011-08-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

I should be heading over to school for a meeting for an academic organization. But I don't feel like going. I'm still a bit depressed on how my quest for a great interviewee was concluded. A friend told me that it was something beyond my control which made me feel worse actually. I have always wanted to be in control of things - much more, after I experienced a downward spiral when I entered college. Heck, I am still trying to be freed from the whirlwind.

Also, I would like to bask in the solitude I rarely experience most especially because I live in a studio-type apartment with my 2 siblings and a mother who drops by in a weekly basis. And I couldn't stay at home as often as I wanted because of the demands of my academics and the organization I took part in. Oh! What have I done in my life!

Thinking of the craziness of my schedule made me realize how much better my life would have been if I stayed in a low profile as I initially planned when I first enrolled. However, in my age, I rather do well in more than just academics. My career will depend on how much I learn in college and there are lessons learned not only within the four corners of the classroom.

What I am experiencing now is the battle between the career oriented self and my introverted personality. I choose a Mass Communication degree which requires me to be immersed with the public - to have social awareness and to provide information to the people. The personality I have has the tendency to lock myself in my room and be absorbed in either my artwork or the novel that I am still writing even after a decade.

For now, I want to seek refuge. I wish to be sheltered in my bubble. The past weeks pushed me to keep up to date with the events, to meet deadlines, and to communicate with people. I don't want to lose who I am over the responsibilities demanded by the position I am in.

Someone told me recently how differently I act now than when we first met. On hindsight, most of the people who belong to my circle of friends perceive me as an outspoken extrovert. I think only a few knows how awkward I am in social situations.

When I get choked over the people-oriented tasks I have to undertake, my heart screams for a moment when I can curl inside my room, in the world of my own, in the world where I belong.

Inhibitions

2011-07-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

I find myself back to the first day of my Trumpets Musical Theater for Adults class in 2010. I could hardly move. Too self-conscious, I usually turn blank in activities that teaches you to think fast. And with that, I was often apologetic. After a few sessions, I started to feel at ease with myself and enjoyed the summer with my new found friends whom which I still contact through social network sites and meet up with in riots.

Fast forward it to now, 2011, I am sitting in front of the desktop acquired in the late 2010 inside the third floor studio unit in an apartment building, a new home until I graduated from my Bachelor's Degree. The setting was different, but I am still mindful of the things I am doing. Mindful, not in a cautious tactful way, but in an overly self-conscious manner. Ah! Thoughts on how I should act and my low self-esteem perpetually plagues me.

For one, I am currently taking a course on Newswriting. Newswriting involves not only writing proficiency but also the skills in data gathering, i.e. interviews and research, which is something that I have self-doubts. I am certain that we will have pointers and lectures on the procedures but my paranoid self tucked comfortable in my subconscious screams second-guesses.

The same unsure nature induces indecisiveness my online writing job. I could hardly pick a topic because I fear not being able to submit it on time. In four months, I only accomplished 3 projects.

However, another side of me tries to break free from the clutches of ambivalence.I started to open up for Digital Portrait requests. I also proposed to take the position of Associate Editor in the campus paper.

I guess a huge part of this dubious attitude stems from my connection with my elementary classmates. I keep comparing what they have accomplished to my lack of achievement. My friends usually lecture me on comparing lives. However, my brained seemed to be programmed to consistently compare. Perhaps,My competitive nature mixed with the inferiority complex generated by my (sort-of) traumatic life begets this mentality.

Let's see where will this take me. I hope not to read another rant in this blog. Who knows, this might be the last. I really hope so..

Rainy Days and Thursdays

2011-06-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

June 23, 2011. This marks the first week in our new residence in Ermita, Manila. And with that, down the rain pours.

I could recall, two years back, the year we moved from Cavite to a house in Pandacan. A few months later, we came across the typhoon Ondoy. Ondoy is very unforgettable due to the amount of damage it churned out to thousands of Filipinos. Ondoy also forced me to walk along Quirino Ave from Pedro Gil Street to West Zamora with thigh-high waters. It is the first time I submerged my feet to the murky waters produced by the poorly structured and clogged drainage and sewage system of Metro Manila and also, the overflowing dams due to the large amount of rainfall.

Almost two years later, the typhoon Falcon passed along the eastern side of the Luzon pulling rainclouds that submerged the street where we currently reside. The pool of water was mid leg deep and grimy. Yet, a pack of boys, not older than twelve, waded and swam in the brown-gray water. I could only gasp in disapproval. As the sun moved closer to the west horizon, men with shirts off joins the pool party huddling in their own clique.

No, I am not writing another homily on how we are treating nature. I guess, for now, I rather recollect on the past few years of my life in Manila. Being locked inside a 32 sq. m. room without television and poor broadband connection gives you more than enough time to think.

I had a job two years ago. Now, I am a second year student (for the third time).

We stayed in a two storey house. We live in a third floor studio type unit.

We resided in almost-seclusion. We, now, inhabit a unit steps away from the mall.

We woke up with the smell of canine and feline waste. We wake up with the sun’s greetings.

A lot has changed in our living condition. Though, one thing fails to elude us - Metro Manila floods. But that also changed a bit. We experience floods outdoors. The floods haunted us both indoors and outdoors, then.

I still look forward to better days.

Broken Promise

2011-06-18T16:50:00.001-07:00

Sister,
we will always love each other.

Sister,
we will share our dreams forever.

Sister,
we will walk the same road.

Sister,
I will always care for you.

Sister,
I will always stand by you.

Sister,
I will always look after you.

Sister,
I will support your endeavors.

Sister,
I will...

Sister,
I....

Sister,
...

Sister,

Sister,

Sister. Friend...

Acquaintance...

No one.

The heart ceased its beat.

---------

No deed
No action
can ever appease
the heart that ceased
caring for the wretched one.

Your words amount to nothing now.

Get It Right

2011-06-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

How would you feel if you are not even good in the only thing you are good at?

A friend scolded me through text. I should not compare my life with others, even if they were my classmates. We did not share the same experiences. We did not share the same hardships. Their success does not mean my failure.

I would love to agree. However, my head screams back, I could have done something to prevent my downward spiral. My mind would send me several years back to the time when I wrote my choice degree course in the State University, when I decided to stay in my degree program after experiencing my first failing grade, and every decision I made that leads me here.

Everything is my fault. And unless I do something about it, things won't get better. Every step I take is an attempt to get back on track, to retrace the steps from where I strayed.

But there are comments that brings me down. I guess, I might have taken the remark differently. "You are a better artist than a writer." - I am not even a good artist. Therefore, my writing skill is really bad?

I need to get things right. I really need to get things right.

I won't let those words get me down.

This mind is really messed up.

There are No Words.

2011-05-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

I could not explain how it felt.

Was it because I failed?
Was it because I could never
amount to what they are
now?

What word could express how exactly I am feeling?

Sad? The feeling is more than that.
Dejected? Downcast? No.
Inconsolable? I think that is a bit too much.

Resentful? They did not cause me any harm.
Embittered? But I hardly harbor scorn towards them.
Disgruntled? Well, that's an understatement.

Envious? Invidious? A bit, but not exactly.

I scanned for words in the dictionary. Trying miserably to comprehend what is going on in my mind.

I hate myself. I pity myself.
I am still trying to appease myself.
There is no way to turn back the years.
And what they left me are this incomprehensible emotion.

Do I really need a label to this?
These puts a limit to the morphemes.

There are no words to exactly describe how I feel.

If fate permits...

2011-05-19T10:28:00.000-07:00

You: is the human race too absorbed in the mundane that they forget to take a breath of life itself?
Stranger: i dont know.
Stranger: but it makes me feel strange cause im not like them at all
You: I can't believe they would react that way
Stranger: and those times im so happy to be strange
Stranger: like happier to be different than ever before
You: I rather be weird than to be like everyone else.
Stranger: at least if "everyone else" is like them
You: People in school usually label me as weird since I was in grade school...
You: XD until college...
Stranger: .. we have a lot of things in common haha

I talked to a stranger. I was happy with the way the conversation went... I didn't notice the time. By the end of the conversation, I found it hard to click disconnect thinking that we may not be able to talk to each other again. The person was very insightful. And it was a pleasure to share thoughts with him..

Forever

2011-04-26T20:57:00.001-07:00

And how long would that take?

those seven letters
form such a long word.

stretching out to who knows when

without fear
or even a shadow of a doubt

words are uttered

a promise
a vow

not minding
the consequences

when one did not measure up
to the length
of eternity

Here I Go Again.

2011-04-26T20:34:00.000-07:00

As I pore over the 900+ entry from the weblog I am following, I couldn't help but to cuss to myself. "Is that all?" Envy still grabs my by the throat tightly but at same time, I remain in awe. This juxtaposition of emotions should produce something sensible, I hope. I checked again and found a poetry piece that I could only dream of writing.

I hate not the blogger, but myself even more.

I can never get enough of self-loathing. No doubt, I had this desire to receive compliments, not just a mere a pat in my back for a job well done. I wanted something more. I crave for something much more than the appreciation of friends because they are friends. Though not in my own definition of friends, they are still, friends. They are bound to give positive criticism.

I've lost count the times I dream of being in the shoes of someone born from a parents whose net worth has more than eight zeros. No, it is not the wealth that I crave for; the endless opportunities set for the privileged is what I covet - the chance to step into another land, the quality of education within reach and all sorts of pocket crushing experiences the impoverished could only dream of.

Believe me, I don't live for the wealth. I live for life itself.

I have read about celebrities and their lifestyle and I didn't care about it that much. Then, I found this blog. For some unknown reason (Unknown..pffft. I guess I still don't consider being a great writer and the idea of seeing him in real life as a reason), I was drawn.

I hated his woes. (I mean, there are greater problems in this world.) I envied his feats. (Ugh, the perks of being born rich!) I coveted his skills. I wanted to so much to be part of that world, perhaps, to be able to think alike, or write alike.

I have my own writing style but I think it is no good. I have my own thoughts but I think they are senseless. I am yearning to be so much more. In the end, I couldn't help but to ask myself:

"Why do I beat myself down whenever I see individuals excelling in their field?

Why can't I strive to be better?"

I have gone over this dilemma for years. The brain tells me to fight. The heart couldn't learn. One step forward. Two steps back. I need to get back on track.

Love, Betrayal

2011-03-31T19:50:00.000-07:00

I think I'm in love with you."

If I had been my usual catty self, I already quipped a scathing retort or perhaps bombarded the friend who sent me the message with array of curses and profanity. And if the statement was said in person, I might have reacted with a glacial stare. However, considering that today is a day that [supposed to] justify juvenile pranks, I changed the usual response to "April Fools, haha."

But then again, why should I react that way when those line were actually said in jest? If it was another type of prank, then I may really unleash the fury. haha!

Many frown at my lack of trust to anyone, even friends. I guess with circumstances like these, who can afford to let my guard down and be duped. I have wasted enough tears on disappointing friends.

Wait. I am taking this too seriously. I am supposed to be writing about two friends who attempted to pull a prank on me.

So, another friend attempted to trick me with a "Bakit ka ganoon? Ano yung sinabi mo kina " to which I responded with "April Fools."

Busted.

falling asleep

2011-03-31T00:25:00.000-07:00

The colors swirled.
The reds and greens and yellows and oranges
and blues and purples.
slowly dissolve into a black and white haze.

From cataclysm of pigments,
I drown.

I saw your face looking down.

I closed my eyes.
And kept that last image in my mind.

//something I typed in Typetrigger

Remembering Ondoy.

2010-09-26T18:03:00.000-07:00

Unable to squeeze out any creative juices needed to finish the two paintings that I was supposed to finish yesterday, I decided to clean the floor. Only after doing so that I realize, this was the same thing my brother and I were doing 365 days from now. Indeed, it has been a year since I let my rubber shoes soak of flood waters just to get my self home.

Gravedigger

2010-09-05T22:39:00.000-07:00

"So I've made up my mind
I will pretend
To leave this world behind
And in the end
You'll know I've lied
To get your attention
I'm faking my own suicide

I'm faking my own suicide
Because I know you love me
You just haven't realized
I'm faking my own suicide
They'll hold a double funeral
Because a part of you will die
Along with me" - Faking My Own Suicide, Relient K

Ooooooh-kay, the does NOT have anything to do with what I am experiencing now. The lyrics just popped to my head as I typed the title of this entry, and I miss listening to this band.
------------------------------------
Busy Busy Busy

I have never been this busy in my life. @_@

A few months back, I was planning to find a part-time/online job while studying but now, I don't think I can handle adding more activities in my schedule. But then, I still find times to bore myself. Gah! Then, I end up cramming. *facepalm*

I joined two school organizations that require a lot of effort. (I am still looking for the proper adjective)

Midterm exams were scheduled last week but I have only taken 1 exam. >_<

I have to start working on a research project that involves statistical blah blah.. (notice the choice of words.. ugh)

I also have to write a good script for the two plays for our Literature class. I hope to be the puppet master.. errrr.. Director. (LOL)

I have to draw t-shirt designs and paint..uhm.. stuff.. for November.

I also need to edit the "webpage".

I might end up missing activities with some friends. (NOOOOOOO, I really want to watch...)

It is amusing, though, that because of the pile of things to do, my journal/planner that usually ends up ignored by the middle of July has been very useful. This is the first time that a journal I bought for the year has this much doodles and scribbles. :D

Now, I must get back to writing the last two reaction papers... OTL

Three Weeks In

2010-06-27T22:03:00.000-07:00

I still can't believe that I am among students around two-thirds my age walking in a campus, headed for their classes. After two years of freedom from any educational institution and I'm back for a Bachelor's Degree.

As I try to ignore the loud noises by my classmates(and their guitars), I could not help but to compare this college experience. Seven years ago, I was a freshman trying to hurdle the dreaded Math 17 (and failed miserably). I don't remember my peers to be as rowdy as the ones I'm stuck with now...

(I failed to finish this entry.. so I'm posting it now~LOL)

Remnants of Summer

2010-06-15T16:34:00.000-07:00

With my mom and my transparent umbrella, I merrily walked amidst the rain and the mud and people along Hidalgo Street in Quiapo one Sunday.. It was a rainy morning but I didn't mind. Since the day I nearly swam the flood waters brought by Ondoy I am no longer scared of a pool of rain water. Hopping to avoid the deeper puddles, I remembered that not too long ago, the streets of Manila are dry and the air, warm and humid.

It was summer.

I always claim that this summer was my most productive. The joy of doing something (even if it is not "art-related") filled my heart after several months of being a bum. The LRT-MRT rides, the text blasts, the never ending encoding job, the surprise tasks - though terribly exhausting, made the 6 weeks worthwhile.

The whole ordeal, somehow, changed my perspective about being in a community or in a NATION.

I no longer wear the red baller.I just kept it closer to the things important to me.

The summer also brought me closer to one of my loves - theater. If I was not mistaken, I expressed my desire to enroll in a summer theater workshop in the year 2004. The last time that I performed as a part of a theater group was during my last year in elementary school. I was one of the pioneer members of the theater guild and one of the chosen few who constantly have a part in the skits presented in some programs at school.

I signed up to be a member for the theater group in my High School. However, my animosity towards some of the group's members and my insecurities pushed me away. After a year, I transfered to a school several regions away. I never got back to acting.

I felt like I forgot the feeling of being someone else. I never got that rush of feelings, the idea that you are no longer yourself. I missed the feeling of letting go and releasing emotions.

The walls of the blue room felt like home. My classmate are like my closest childhood friends, or better yet, siblings. I don't easily make friends but in 18 days(plus 3 extra rehearsals) they have been family.

I still have the playbill for the musical theater class showcase tucked between the pages of my journal. My visit to Facebook has been longer. I have resurrected my formspring,me and twitter accounts.

I want to go back to that summer. But I can't live by just looking at the past.

Live by the lessons learned.

Move forward.

More great things will come.

Name

2010-05-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

I recall getting flustered over my frequently mispronounced name. It's not just my first name that they say wrong, but also my overly Tagalog last name.

How I long for a generic last name. A last name that would not command that much attention. A last name that would not lead to a word association. A last name that you cannot you in a sentence. Alas, as a song goes, you can't always get what you want.

My name, all 21 letters not including my mom's maiden last name, was invented even before my parents were married. My father had four names in mind, two for girls and another 2 for boys.

The first name was a shorter form of my mother's, if the baby is a girl and my dad's name, if a boy.

The second names were names found from the Bible. If the baby is a girl, the names starts with a "C" since my mom's first name starts with a "C" and a "J" if a boy for the name reason.

As for the last name... I was doomed to get inherit it since it is my father's.

Boongaling. Sheesh. My last name is from two Tagalog words - buo (whole) and galing (skill/ability/recovery). Word associations is inevitable with a name like that. Also, the pressure to live up to your name is unavoidable.

The Tagalog-ness alone is enough to make me want to cringe whenever I read or hear my whole name.But the constant mispronounciation could drive me mad. Due to the single 'G", some mispronounce it as Bo-ong-NGA-ling, when it's supposed to be BoONG-galing.

What's in a name, anyway?

I heard that a person's name should be the sweetest word for them. It is their identity. The name is who they are.

Name could be a call to you life's mission or your destiny - like Abraham which meant father of a multitude or many nations or Yeshua which meant Salvation.

So instead abhorring my name, I guess I should be proud of it and to really live up to it. I googled for the meaning of my names and was really surprised.

Let it be my destiny. If I am meant for greatness, then, I would gladly do it for the Lord.

On a Saturday in May

2010-05-22T15:16:00.000-07:00

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

I thought I would cry, But I kept telling myself, I don't have a reason to. I should be happy for overcoming my fear of singing solo on stage with a microphone. I should be proud that I learned lots of things like letting go and to think too much, and that I was able to sing with a microphone in front of me.

the uplifting desserts, the memorable words, the help in timing (and the OC-ness), the salmon. (this is sooo not workshop related), the jokes (impersonation?), the smacks on the arm (well, not on MY arm), the eyebrow make over, the comforting words, the download links, the wonderful pictures, being gentle and sweet, being gallant,

the trust, your diva energy, your memorable catchphrase, your inspiring passion

for bringing me there

for the lessons learned

Thank you. Thank you for the memories. Thank you for sharing a piece of you.

21 days.

18 different personalities.

10 songs.

6 weeks.

2 months.

1 very very memorable summer.

That night, when we parted ways, my world did not stop turning.

My world continued to turn...

eager to know, what will happened next...

Songs

2010-04-25T13:01:00.000-07:00

I recall a friend who told me to stop listening to sad songs because it makes me sad.

As I look for songs to be added to my playlist I found this.. the song is from the anime Nana.

A Little Pain

Romaji:

Travel to the moon
Kimi wa nemuri yume wo toku
Dare mo inai, hoshi no hikari
Ayatsurinagara

Tsuyoku naru tame
Wasureta egao
Kitto futari nara torimodosu

* Kizuite
I'm here waiting for you
Ima to wa chigau mirai ga atte mo
I'm here waiting for you
Sakebi tsuzukete
Kitto kokoro wa
Tsunagu ito wo tagutteru
Ano koro no watashi
Me wo samasu you ni
No need to cry

Travel in silence
Te wo nobaseba fureru no ni
Kimi wa tooi, sore wa
Omoide no naka no koto

Koe ga kikoeru
Me wo tojireba
Chiisana itami sae
Itoshikute

Mitsumete
I'm here waiting for you
Kaze ni fukare hitori mayotte mo
I'm here waiting for you
Sora wo miagete
Zutto kokoro wa
Te wo hirogete mamotteru
Ano koro no kimi ga
Furikaeru made
No need to cry

(Feel something, feel nothing
Listen closely, listen closely)
Wide open ears
Disarm the dream tickler
In the constant moment
(You will find me where it's quiet
Listen closely, listen closely)
Let the blood flow
Through all the spaces
Of the universe

Repeat *

Translation:

Translation

Travel to the moon
You're asleep, as you work out your dreams
There's no one here
While the light of the stars toys with me

In order to become strong
I have to remember how to smile
If we're together, I can do it

* Realize that...
I'm here waiting for you
Even if the future is different from now
I'm here waiting for you
I keep on shouting
I'm sure all I have to do
Is pull in the thread that connects our hearts
So the person I was back then
Would open her eyes
No need to cry

Travel in silence
I can reach you if I stretch out my hands
The only memory I have of you
Is so far away

I can hear your voice
If I close my eyes
Even a little pain
Would be nice

Look at me
I'm here waiting for you
Even if you get lost, blown away by the wind
I'm here waiting for you
I look up at the sky
I was protecting my heart
With outstretched hands
Until the person you were back then
Looked back
No need to cry

(Feel something, feel nothing
Listen closely, listen closely)
Wide open ears
Disarm the dream tickler
In the constant moment
(You will find me where it's quiet
Listen closely, listen closely)
Let the blood flow
Through all the spaces
Of the universe

Repeat *

The Mask I Wear...

2010-04-25T04:03:00.000-07:00

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.

-----author unknown and it has been published in a number of books and on the web.

The first time I read this was in a letter from my Mom's friend. :D I am back to my crazy mood swings and the poem suddenly popped to my head.

No Love For Me Last February

2010-02-28T12:06:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I do think that February absolutely HATED me. Perhaps, it is because I never did like the month.

In February, you start to experience the signs that summer is fast approaching. The chilly winds of December-January bids a sad farewell as you welcome the harsher sun's rays and heated breeze. Soon, I will be frequented by migraines of different levels of pain and all I can think of is how hot it is and how I wanted to stay in a cooler place. (*is starting to miss Dasma*)

Everything went from bad to worse the past month. I ran out of ideas for a digital painting earlier that month. And when I though of something, the computer is acting .. hmmm pretty shitty. ^___^

Now, I have to have a virus scan every couple of hours and restart it if I want to use the internet. (*opens the notepad and saved the text written above*) My monitor is back to its usual darkness making it unsuitable for digital painting. (*sighs*)

Worst of all, there is a cold war here at home between a sibling and me because of hmm... I will not talk about this further. The last time I talked to someone about this, I was treated like shit. (Kahit ganun rin ang ginawa nya ~ Oh the irony. blasted double standard)

February is not THAT BAD I guess. There is one REALLY REALLY GOOD THING that happened : RENT 20FEB2010 1530 first row orchestra side seats. enough said. <3 <3

now.. gotta go and watch the closing program of the vancouver olympics

Lost

2010-01-13T00:27:00.000-08:00

Fate or coincidence? I would prefer the former. What are the chances that I would ride on the exact jeepney with the exact same people, and the we will end up on that route?

The church I go to has prayer healing services every Wednesday night. When I quit my job, I decided to attend the service. But in the first two weeks of the year, I missed the services.

Today is Wednesday. I made up my mind. I will be attending the service.

I went out an hour early so I decided to let time pass in the nearby mall. As I walk around, I found two familiar faces on a frozen yoghurt store. One of them is a former dorm mate and school mate who is now taking up medicine in a different school. She is accompanied by her former classmate (and my former schoolmate, too). I joined them and chatted away.

Soon, we walked into a clothing store (for kids - the two ladies I'm with are petite) and they were trying on blouses and dresses. I looked at my phone's clock (i don't wear watches or i just don't own one). I'll be late for the service.

After the dress ups, we separated and head for home. I walked with my former dorm mate to the church. (the dorm is in the church) We were having second thoughts in attending the service. We indeed are very late. The Pastor probably is halfway on his message. Thinking of the loads of stuff she has to work on, she walked up to the dormitory leaving me in the lobby. I walked out and found myself riding on a jeepney heading for home.

I put my earphones on and listened to the music.

Traffic is terrible. The driver turned into a different route. It was not the first time the jeepney I ride on chose that street. Eventually, the return to the street were I live. I didn't worry. I continued humming to the music.

As we moved slowly, I noticed that I could no longer recognized the street were on. At the same instant, the batteries of mp3 player died. I took the earphones off and heard a fellow passenger asked the driver on where we are heading. Soon, I realized, we won't be passing by our street. I felt nervous. I have no idea where we are or how I will go home. I overheard another say that she lives in the same street where I live. I said to myself, I'll just follow her then, my problem will be solved.

I thought too soon.

I went off the jeepney along with some of the passengers. A woman, who rode the same jeepney as I did, held my arm. She looked at me with a pained look in her face. Her other hand was on her chest.

"Can you stay with me? My chest hurts...."

The first thought in my head was, "What's going on? Is this some sort of a scam?" Still, I decided to stay with her.

The woman tried calling with her mobile phone. In between calls, she pleaded, "Please stay with me..."

I helped her walk until we stopped by the nearby bank where she sat by the stairs and continued calling. The chest pain might have worsen since she asked me to talk to people on the other line. I told them to pick her up in that place. After several calls, I was informed that they will be picking her up. The traffic jam was causing the delay.

I was panicking in my head. I wanted to bring her to the hospital but I don't know where we are.

She then asked me to rub my hand against hers. Her hands were cold.

Soon, a woman approached us and asked what was going on. I told her what happened. Not long after she came, a man walked toward us. He was the man she called to fetch her. As he helped her stand up, I heard her ask him to take him to the hospital. They, then, crossed the street to the taxi.

I asked the woman(the one who approached us) for directions, as to how I could reach home. We exchanged thank you's. I proceeded to walk, her following her instructions.

If I decided to stay in church, this would not have happened. If I wasn't there who would have helped that woman. I guess someone else would have, might have.

Well, I am glad I was there to lend her a hand. :)

Life really is full of surprises.

A New Day Has Come (another entry?.. i'm on a roll!!!)

2010-01-07T15:05:00.000-08:00

I looked up the sky that morning. We were several miles from home.

I'm so glad we decided to take time to reflect on our lives. And the first few days of the year is indeed the perfect time.

Posting it now seemed pretty late. But song played in my mind as I was folding the laundry in the bedroom. I haven't heard the song for years.

A New Day Has Come,

Composed and Written by: Moccio, Stephan; Caporuscio, Aldo

sung by; Celine Dion

I was waiting for so long
For a miracle to come
Everyone told me to be strong
Hold on and don't shed a tear

Through the darkness and good times
I knew I'd make it through
And the world thought I had it all
But I was waiting for you

Hush, now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it's almost blinding me
I can't believe
If I've been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come, oh

Where it was dark now there's light
Where there was pain now there's joy
Where there was weakness, I found my strength
All in the eyes of a boy

Hush, now
I see a light in the sky
Oh, it?s almost blinding me
I can't believe
If I?ve been touched by an angel with love

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun

A new day has

Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
Let it shatter the walls for a new sun
A new day has come, oh

Hush, now
Well I see a light in your eyes
All in the eyes of the boy
I can't believe
If I've been touched by an angel with love
I can't believe
If I've been touched by an angel with love

Like a Dagger.

2010-01-06T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am not writing this to ask for an apology.

I am writing this because this is what I think.

I am writing this because this is how I felt.

Do I really say how I feel? The question crossed my mind as I decide to write this piece. For a few days, I was conflicted whether to write about this or not. A part of me says that I am not good in conveying what I feel verbally. And with that, another side would retaliate, how about the numerous quarrels at home? Maybe, I avoid confrontations. I choose to harbor the hurt inside than to express in words the pain from their words and/or actions.

More often, I preferred the non verbal language. I scowl. I ignore. I throw fits. Some would they are just mood swings, but often, I just find something to be angry about.

What happened that night was not just a mood swing. Apparently someone said something that implied that they could leave me behind. The thought made me feel like I don't belong. Though it really is the usual situation (being not part of a group), this is different. They are my 'friends'. That made the feeling worse.

I am both insensitive and overly sensitive. I care too much and at the same time, I could be very apathetic. That time, I feel.

a hundred scores and nine years.

2010-01-04T23:32:00.000-08:00

"Unpredictable"

-the best word to describe the year that has passed.

The year 2009 by far is the craziest roller coaster ride I have. Until now, I still am conflicted whether to call this year the year of the downward spiral or just a year of trials. My hopeful self would pick the latter, but honestly, I think the former fits better. I am a pessimist. I don't want to sugarcoat that.

The year started pretty okay. I continued communication with the people I met that Christmas. in a way, I am expanding my circle of 'friends' and acquaintances. At that time, the feeling of being alone slowly vanished. I felt that there are people, other than my family whom I can talk to.

My win in a contest in a graphic arts convention added confidence in my deeply damaged ego. With that win, I thought I could be brave enough to join on any contest. I guess I needed extra push.

The DeviantArt chatrooms continued to be my haven to communicate with other artists. I discovered a group of heroes, original characters by the Filipino members of the said site. I wanted so much to contribute a character of my own. I resurrected a lady from the dreams of my 10 year old self. I tried to recreate her life through a more convincing storyline. With that, my fears continued to haunt me. I never submitted my character. I never polished her tale. I only told some friends about her. As I clicked on the folder where I left her image and text document, I can't help but to sigh. She's just another unfinished creation.

In the same year, I started hanging out in a chat room with eager artjam participants. In those minutes of speed painting, I was challenged and at the same time felt that my talent seemed inadequate.

The greatest family disturbance (well, this excludes THAT disturbance)* happened in the middle of the year. We are somewhat 'forced' to move from our current abode due to some 'program' by management**. (must be careful not to...uhm.. give clues?) The family decided to move to 'the city' since (1) my sister will be pursuing her MPH degree, (2) my mom was given a special assignment in the city and (3) I have a job opportunity. After weeks of rushed search, we found a place. It really costed much. And... first impression don't last. =/***

I quit my job. After a few weeks of mental and physical torture, I decided it's not worth all the pain. I spent the last two months of the year with really limited resources. I missed the times when I searched for gifts for my family. I recall my mom say, "'Wag kang mag alala, naiintindihan naman namin. (Don't worry, we understand.)"

I lost some 'friends' in the year 2009 not because of death, but because of personal differences - trust issues and personal struggles.

and.. hmm.. Infatuation. I wish I never felt that.

But in the lowest point of my life, the warrior in my struggles to break free from the pull. I can't blame anyone, or anything for what has happened to this year. I fear rejection. I fear pain. In the end, that's what I got. Oftentimes, I ask myself, Why am I back to square one? I thought I am making a lot of progress.

For now, I look forward to this new year(with anxiety? haha.) with hope - hope that I will learn to fight, hope that I may turn from all the negativity that drags me down.

Let me go back to the arms of My Loving Father who I somewhat disobeyed and ignored in the past year.

Let me really start again..

---------------

* THAT disturbance is excluded in the list because nothing can surpass THAT. well, except when there is already closure and with that, THAT will no longer be considered as such. (WT~ sometimes, i mean, oftentimes, i don;t get myself)

** The last time we visited the apartment where we used to live, the place looked like an abandoned building. The vegetables (camote tops and kangknong) grew to enormous proportions. (gets?)

*** We can't wait to get out of the #*&&(#$&)^

With Several Pending Entries...

2010-01-04T15:26:00.000-08:00

It's official: planning does NOT work for me.

I have been attending the 'SImbang Gabi' for a few days when I thought of writing it as a journal entry. I also thought of an blog entry about how I think the church changed since I left for Cavite. I thought of writing about the times my sister and I come home late because of various church related activities. I planned to write a recap of the eventful 2009. Now, four days after we welcomed 2010, still, I haven't posted any of the planned entries.

I am now writing about something I just thought of as I was on a jeepney, on my way to some chores.

I have always thought of things to do or buy when I win a huge amount of money, specifically from the lottery. Charity, condo units, computers, a house, furniture, businesses are among the things in my head when the huge amount of money comes into my mind (yes, millions!).

As the jeepney turned to a narrower street, I saw people sleeping by the sidewalks. Instantly, a farm and an apartment building came into my mind.

What if I have lots of money, build a farm, take these people in, train them and let them work there. A third of the crops will be the food they will eat and the rest will be sold. Three thirds of the money got from the sales will return to the workers.

They will all eat like on big family. Every one must be taught to think of the fellow workers. They will have their own sleeping quarters and clothes. But they can buy for themselves anything they want from the money they earn.

With that in mind, will they keep working? Will they stay? Will they be happy in that way of life?

9 Nights Before Christmas

2009-12-25T13:42:00.000-08:00

What started out as a search for refuge from the tumultuous surroundings at home, ended up with a quest to really finish what I started.

In the 23 years of my life, I don't recall completing the 9 services before Christmas.

One More Night.

2009-12-24T03:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas eve.

In only a few hours, I will be experiencing our first Christmas living in Manila. Though there is nothing so surprising or special about having Christmas in Manila, I still marvel at the idea that we are having Christmas in another town/city - the fourth for the decade (2000 to 2002 in Tagum City, 2003 in Quezon City, 2004-2008 in Dasmarinas, Cavite) This is also the second time we are celebrating Christmas without our parents. (the first one was one MAJOR GUILT TRIP might elaborate on it in the next blog entry)

For now let me just leave this blog with a song...

Looking through some old photographs
Faces of friends we'll always remember
Watching busy shoppers rushing about
In the cool breeze of December
Sparkling lights, all over town
Children's carols in the air
By the Christmas tree
A shower of stardust on your hair

WEEEE!! Noodles

2009-12-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

hmmmmm.. cooked noodles this morning.

soba with chicken and deep fried tofu and vegetables (carrot, cabbage and leeks)

so happy ^___^

will try rice noodles next time.

Thoughts for the Day

2009-11-08T16:58:00.000-08:00

It started with a blank SMS,

Then, words have been said.

Now, I'm still trying to find out what you meant

About the songs that I left...

Could pick myself out of the hole

I dug to hide all those memories?

Resurface from the ditch

I've unknowingly thrown myself into

Who am I kidding?

I cannot just point a finger

Accuse someone for my mishap

I did this to myself.

How can I say that I'm happy?

Every time I thought I've known myself,

I end up second guessing

If it's the real me.

I am not an ungrateful person

I am not in denial of my current situation.

I am not lost

I am just too scared.

Would this obsession stop?

I wish it would.

But at the same time,

I'll dread the time it would.

oooh... random thoughts. better work on things that really matter instead of drooling and staring at the screen.

Let It Rain, Baby... Let It Rain..

2009-11-02T13:20:00.000-08:00

Listening to the songs from Relient K's album Let It Snow, Baby... Let It Reindeer reminded me that Advent or the Yuletide season is fast approaching. I was excited a few months ago. I have a job then and though we changed residences for the nth time, I'm kind of optimistic that the year would be pretty swell.

Months passed, I try to imagine how I could put even a little decor or what to cook to celebrate the Holidays.

and then...

Been busy with work.

Got frustrated with it.

Still kept working so I can earn.

Didn't earn much.

Saved a huge portion.

Spent the money on some stuff that i needed(and some, i wanted).

From the supposed to be full time employment... now, they just call me if there's a shoot.

I ended up not saving any.

Decided to quit.

(has not yet officially quit)

Is now jobless.

In the dark times, there will always be something that could pull you out of the blues. The Christmas in my mind may not happen. But it's not yet late. I can't just wait for things to get better. I have to act on it.

For now, I listen to the heartwarming melodies from the computer speakers...

So look at me now

Its finally Christmas and I'm home

Head Indoors to get out of this weather

And I dont know how

But the closest friends I've ever known

Are all inside

Singing together

Singing Merry Christmas, Heres to Many More

Sore Feet, Empty Pockets

2009-10-18T03:53:00.000-07:00

I've set my mind on one goal - Lyndon Gregorio's graphic novel, Go-Beerkada: The Rise of The Jhologs.

When I finally have the book in my hands, I gleefully searched for familiar faces. I found Gran gran Darky in the daMeat booth setting up her sign and portfolio for people looking for a ready made artwork or commission art. Soon, I met up with Jolo and Steph.

For the whole day we walked around, bought some comics, meet more people and watched Jolo (dressed as Hetalia's Korea) being harrassed by Nikka.

I saw lots of DA people.. happy to meet you all.

I want home with sore feet and comics to read. It was tiring but I had a lot of fun (except for my dramatic exit in the evening-not gonna elaborate much on that).

The next con's on November. Sure wish it would be as fun as that day... or even better. ^__^

After the Storm

2009-09-30T20:54:00.002-07:00

I was having second thoughts in posting this. I think it's a bit late or I don't think I have written this well enough. But here goes...

It was a Saturday. We had a shoot for the yearbook for a college near UN Avenue inManila. I recall hearing in the news that a tropical storm has entered the country that morning. They were hoping that the storm would be weaker after it moved across the Mountains of Sierra Madre. But by noon, classes were cancelled due to the heavy downpour brought by Ondoy (international name: Ketsana).

Few students still came for pictorial that afternoon. We packed up at around 4:30PM. As we head out the building, we soon realized the difficulty in going home. The streets are flooded. Jeepneys no longer head for our area due to the flood.

There is no way that I’m going to wade in the flood. I said to myself. My co-worker (who also live along the same road) and I hailed a bike with sidecar and for a hundred pesos we head for Quirino Avenue.

As driver pedalled, I hoped that the road where we live is not as flooded as the other areas in Manila. As soon as we reached the street, my hopes died.

Floods are a perennial problem in Metro Manila.

The Region lies on an isthmus with an average elevation of 10 meters. It is flanked by theManila Bay in the west and Laguna de Bay in the south east. The Pasig River, Metro Manila’s primary water, runs across connecting the two bodies of water. The MarikinaRiver stretches across the eastern side.

The geography itself screams flood plain all over. Floods would certainly be inevitable. But it’s not like we live in the ancient period. Technology has developed ways to prevent the areas like Metro Manila from experiencing disastrous floods. Defences like levees and dams are designed to help prevent such catastrophe.

Ondoy seemed to be too much to handle. The tropical storm surpassed the record amount of rainfall set around 40 years ago. The Hurricane Katrina which brought 380mm of rain in Louisiana, USA was no match to the 410mm of rainfall Ondoy dumped in the country. It was a month’s worth of rain poured in the span of 12 hours.

The storm left the Philippine Area of Responsibility Sunday evening with at least 250 dead and thousands more displaced from their homes, 80% of the region submerged.

The people are quick to point fingers to the government. Apparently, the government claimed that such calamity was unforeseen. The inaccuracy of PAG-ASA’s forecast might be the cause of this disaster. PAG-ASA would retaliate that due to the lack of support from the government and funding for newer equipment, a more accurate prediction is not possible. With that, the fault is not entirely theirs. The government can direct the issue to the people who just dump their garbage anywhere, everywhere thus clogging the sewage systems, causing the flood.

We can’t just use the ‘blame card’. Finding someone to blame solves nothing. It just covers up the guilt. Biting off from someone else’s back won’t remove the mud from the houses, fix broken structures or even bring the dead back.

Take responsibility for our actions - the loggers, illegal or not, those who throws garbage irresponsibly, people who refuse to segregate their garbage, people who use their power for their personal gain disregarding the effect to the community, people who neglects the problems in the environment. Everyone had a hand in making this disaster possible.

We are all living as a community, as one. Humans are not created to live alone. We all affect everyone in the community. Thinking only of our selves could only make things worse.

The pain of the calamity still lingers. But we must rise up from this as new individuals. Let us learn the lesson the flood brought us.

For those who are spared from the ordeal, a helping hand is greatly appreciated. A great way to show how thankful you are is by being a candle of hope to others.

For those who are still suffering, keep faith in your hearts. It is easy to say that we must think positive on the situation at hand. With the number of destroyed homes, displaced families and traumatized victims increasing, finding hope amidst the devastation might be hard, but it would lessen the burden in the heart.

We can survive this. We are resilient.

Sober in two ways

2009-09-30T20:54:00.001-07:00

The first time I heard the song Sober from Kelly Clarkson's 2007 album, My December, I was floored and I immediately looked for the chords and lyrics so I can sing and play it with my guitar, Renji.

Here are the words of the song:

And I don’t know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing’s real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I’ve been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

And I don’t know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me

Three months and I’m still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
But I know it’s never really over, no

Wake up

Three months and I’m still standing here
Three months and I’m getting better yeah
Three months yeah, three months are hard

Three months and I’m still breathing

Three months and I still remember it

Three months I wake up

Three months and I’m still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers

One afternoon, I was surfing for something good to watch on TV. I saw Pink's performance from the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards. The song was of the same title. Pink performed the song several feet from the ground on a trapeze. My jaw dropped. Immediately I searched for the lyrics of the song.

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Once again, I fell in love with a song. Well, I'm in love with two song... Still in love with Within Temptation's latest single. ^__^

...I won?

2009-03-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

omg i did win!!!

I read through a newspaper about the 1st Calabarzon Graphic Design Convention. I said to myself, this is a good way to learn more stuff about some graphics application. Besides, it is also nice to add this in my list of Seminars Attended in my resume.
With that, I emailed a fully accomplished Registration Form, paid the fees and waited for the convention date.

I visited the website regarding the said convention and found that there will be a contest on Adobe Photoshop Art. My mind says I am not good enough to join the contest. I still have problems in shading, color palettes and composition. But I decided to give it a shot. Honestly, I join contests only if I know that I have a good chance of winning. For me, I don't see the point of joining a contest if you do not intend to win. That's why I make it a point to give it my all.

For around 2-3 weeks, I created an artwork unlike any of my usual works. It was not a portrait nor a fantasy character. Also, the concept I have in mind involves lots of details(mind you, I am weak in detailing), and I mean LOTS.

In the last week of before the deadline of submission, I feel like giving up. I don't think the color of the artwork works well. Some parts seemed incoherent.

With the help(moral support and advise) of my friends here in DA, I finally finished the artwork and submitted it.

The convention was held yesterday. After the seminars, the contest winners will be announced. During the seminars, Seminar vouchers for PCCI were to be given away to lucky participants. I was one of them.

.. the time ticks really slowly...

When the closing/awarding cermonies started... I was really tense. What if I didn't win? I will be really sad...

There had been problems with the presentation on the 3rd place winner. There was a typographical error with the video presentation. (it shows 2nd place when it really was the 3rd place) After the two awards were given, I became really worried.First place na lang... Then, my artwork was flashed on the screen.. followed by my name. I...freakin'....won. I am not just happy. I am overjoyed, ecstatic. All the hardwork had paid off. This was the first Digital Art Contest that I participated in and I won. This boosted my confidence.. (I really think that my art is crap.)

Now, I really am determined to be the best digital artist that I can be. I will continue to believe that there is a future for me in this field. I should just move forward and throw away self doubt...

Gift List

2008-12-04T13:45:00.000-08:00

hmmm.. things that I will give for Christmas...

Coffee Mug with Infuser para kay ....
Coffee para kay..
MP3 player para kay...
Sandals para kay ....
Libro (hopefully) para kay.....
Pendant para kay....

haha, bakit ko nililista to? ewan... sa akin lang, it feels nice to give.

note: must update this, di ko pa alam ang ibibigay ko sa iba...

WISH LIST

2008-11-26T12:23:00.000-08:00

(the real title of this entry is... my materialistic self is at it again)

Christmas is just around the corner (pardon the cliche) and I've been thinking, Hmm, well, why not list the things that I want to have. Some are things that I could buy for myself and others... well, you get the picture. (i hope someone will give them to me.. )

belt
pedometer
2 pairs of denim pants
2 pairs of slacks
a gothic cross pendant
a journal (hmmmm....ako na ang bibili nito)
Wacom Graphire (o kahit yung cd-r king na lang para pampraktis, sa sunod na lang ang Wacom)
computer speakers
webcam
controller ng PS2 (2)
Hairspray, Dreamgirls and Sweeney Todd VCD.
books from Twilight series (yes, I'm in fangurl mode..rawr beware)

I'm not actually hoping I could have them this Christmas... heehee. Naglista lang ako ng mga gusto kong magkaroon..wahahahaha.. Hmm, I also have this UBER ASA list...

LAPTOP na mataas ang specs
Digital SLR
Macbook
PSP
Nintendo DS
Nintendo Wii

haaaay... WISH ko lang wahahahahah

Remember

2008-11-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

I see you in my memory
As vivid as today
And I wonder do you see me
In that same familiar way
Ohhh..., another place, another time
We'll meet again and you'll be mine,
Ohhh..., 'cause nothing can
compare to you and I

Wasn't it true do you
remember like I do
(Wasn't it true or is it)
All tainted in your view
Could I be just a dream or two
(Wasn't it true)
Oh, if I knew

Now I know it was so special
(Every single way)
Every single way, yeah, yeah
You know I'd go right back there
(Take me back today)
If you take me back today
'Cause I know
there's no one to
replace you in my
mind

Wasn't it true do you
remember like I do
(Wasn't it true or is it)
All tainted in your view
Could I be just a dream or two
[ Find more Lyrics at [link] ]
(Wasn't it true)
Oh, if I knew

Do you remember...
Oh I remember...
Do you remember...
(Do you remember, Do
you remember, Do you
remember)
Oh I remember
(Do you remember, Do
you remember, Do you
remember)

True, remember like I do
(Wasn't it true or is it)
Tainted in your view
Just a dream or two
(Wasn't it true)
Away from you

Wasn't it true, so true,
remember like I do, I do
(Wasn't it true, or is it all)
Tainted in you're view
Could I be just a dream or two
(Wasn't it true)
Away from you
Do you remember...
(True, Remember like I do)
Oh I remember...
(Wasn't it true, or is it
tainted in your view)
(Just a dream or too)
Oh I remember...
(Wasn't it true)
(True, remember like I do)
(Wasn't it true, or is it)
Tainted in your view
Just a dream or two...

my song for the moment..wuv this song very much
tsalamats kay lola pj

actually, ala rin akong maisip na journal entry... buti LSS ko ito ngaun..

Who Knew

2008-10-24T01:52:00.000-07:00

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

A Little Pissed

2008-10-23T15:27:00.000-07:00

This month has been hell for me. And I'm a bit pissed...err.. not exactly pissed.. just a bit disappointed.

October started with a one week work on a parade float for a school. Yeah, it was extra income... but after a day, i realized we are going to be...in HELL. It was a week of hard labor, unappreciative people and things that happen in the night that you should not see. At the last day of work, we(Eli and I) have given up on our vision. We were mentally, emotionally and physically tired.The float ended up with the third place. We didn't care; we are now more concerned on the money we earned for that stint. Argh.....

We were also set to watch West Side Story this October. But due to the work with the float, I gave my ticket to my best bud.

There were Anime/Cosplay events in the first two Sundays of the October. I planned to go there but due to unforeseen circumstances... I missed them.

And the school has not yet paid for our labor. tsktsk

So...yeah.. I'm a little pissed.

I hope that November will be a lot better.

Haaaaaay.. (got this from niumi)

2008-10-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

1. "Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka nya.."

2. "Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba."

3. "Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang."

4. "Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na."

5. "Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin."

6. "Kung maghihintay ka nang lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo.. Dapat lumandi ka din."

7. "Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang."

8. "Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa."

9. "Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka.. Kaya quits lang."

10. "Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una."

11. "Hindi porke't madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa."

12. "Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka."

13. "Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority."

14. "Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili nya."

15. "Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo."

16. “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala”

17. “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan”

18. "Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lng yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!"

19. "Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal...nakakatakot mahulog...at kapag nahulog ka, it's either by accident or talagang tanga ka.."

I'm in love....

2008-10-09T01:13:00.000-07:00

....with this song.. This is a Fleetwood Mac original. I love the Smashing Pumpkin's and Dixie Chick's cover of this song. I was hoping that we(selene..heehee) could record a version of this.

Landslide

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause ive
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I get older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

Pasta Weekend

2008-09-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

hmmmm.. pasta..

I had this sudden craving for pasta this weekend. Last friday, I bought some pasta, tuna and tomato sauce. when home, i cooked a simple dish of tuna and tomato pasta. The next day, i saw chicken being thawed in the fridge so I cooked the chicken breast in butter with rosemary, basil, oregano and garlic yum...(left) I went the SM Mall of Asia Complex for the book fair and had Meat Lasagna in Sbarro for lunch. And now, I turned my brother's oven grilled bangus into a spaghetti recipe with bell pepper, tomato sauce, chilies and onion. hmmmm,..... PASTA..

Is it just me?

2008-09-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

I was in the Ortigas MRT station.

On my way home, I stopped by a shop in SM Megamall which sells boxes. I bought I a box for my CD's. Kuya would always tell me that I have to fix the mess under the computer table - my anime DVD's.

So, I was in the Ortigas station. Waiting for the next train. The rain started to pour. I winced recalling that the route home goes through Baclaran, Bacoor and Imus. Great, I will be stuck in traffic.

After a few minutes, the train arrived. I pushed myself into the shuttle with a cd box and a 5kg knapsack. There is barely room for breathing for me. My neurons are panicking. okay, I am not claustrophobic. I also have to maintain my balance.

As we reached a station, Guadalupe if I've not mistaken, there are only a few people left standing. I managed to find myself a seat. Though, I was a bit guilty since, I do think I am a bit stronger than most women standing in the train. What made me convinved that I need to sit down is the load I am carrying. Nevertheless, that was not the point of this entry...

I saw not only one, but 3 men inside the shuttle for women and senior citizens; probably because they are accompanying their partners. Those men are seated comfortably. Whenever the train reaches a station, a voice is usually heared. This voice reminds the people to let the women, children and the seniors sit first.

And they didn't mind that there are women inside the shuttle reserved for women (and children and the elderly) standing.

Is it just me being cynical?

I recall an episode on Oprah about several social experiments by a certain personality. ( I couldn't recall, I was busy in TP) The experiments involved a woman verbally assaulted by her husband, a cashier refusing to sell products to an Arab/Iraqi couple, a drunk man/ woman with her children getting into a car, etc.

What I heard from their discussions is that most people have become apathetic or indifferent. Caring even for a stranger could be a great help in this ailing society.

But then again, as I remember the people begging for money around Metro Manila, it really is hard to trust.

...

Me..Me...

2008-09-02T21:48:00.000-07:00

I got this from mikki...

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.

He said, "Are you telling the truth?"

-from The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
my favorite book... I always keep it close to me.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can.

...then what?

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?

Oh, sh**.. haven't watched TV for a long time... hmmm... the last thing I can recall was the movie on TV last Sunday, Chronicles of Riddick.. if I'm not mistaken.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is.

around 4:30PM?

5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?

4:52 PM... close..

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?

the fan, dogs barking, roosters, kids...

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?

I was out a few minutes ago. Brought some documents to my Aunt's house and brought some groceries.

8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?

YM. checking who's online..

9. What are you wearing?

dark blue..BOKIA Disconnecting People shirt and the scrub pants from my sister that i painted.

10. Did you dream last night?

uhm... oh noes... keep forgetting my dreams..

11. When did you last laugh?

hmm... during the exchange of thoughts with Francis in YM a few hours ago..

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?

curtains... curtains.. and curtains?

13. Seen anything weird lately?

hmm... hmmmmm. isip muna ako. ala akong maisip na weird...

14. What do you think of this quiz?

uhm... isip muna ako ng matinong maisagot..wahaha

15. What is the last film you saw?

yung Riddick.. nung Sunday

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

House and Lot, A Condo Unit, Macbook, a really good PC, a laptop, WACOM and lots of softwares.. :D

17. Tell me something about you that I don’t know.

I am very shy. I keep telling others this but most don't want to believe me.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

Pollution! :D and the pesky roaches. eeeeeewwwww

19. Do you like to dance?

Yeah... great form of exercise.

20. George Bush:

whatever~!

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?

WALANG BALAK MAGKAANAK

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?

read answer in question number 21

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?

hmm... not really sure.

24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?

Same as Mikki, Welcome home...

25. 4 people you would like to see do this meme in their journal:

►laine
►faye
►anniefair..(please don't kill me, would like to see naman e)
►romina

It started with Juddha... [continuation]

2008-09-02T02:06:00.000-07:00

Now, where was I...

We went out of the convention hall. Because of the vodka, my stomach hurt a bit. I forgot that I haven't eaten my lunch yet. Alcohol in an empty stomach is not a good thing.

We headed to the food court. After eating, El saw a group of familiar faces. We knew they are people from DA. But we are a group of shy people. :D And we did not approach them. :D

We went back to the Megatrade Hall3 and grabbed another cup of vodka. This time, it has crushed chocolate cookies. (the first one was with mango juice-i think) The taste didn't blend well, but I still finished the drink and Laine gave me have of hers. She wouldn't want to finish a drink that tastes that bad. :D

As we walked around (I was looking for a trash can), a man stopped us and ask if we could be interviewed for a segment for a show in a local TV station. And guess who is the interviewer...

"Sino sya?"

"'Di mo kilala sya? Sya yung anak ni Gary V."

Yep, the interviewer is Paolo Valenciano. He was still interviewing other people. The man who asked us for the interview told us that we are next and also informed us of the question....

"Anong ginagawa mo if you are having a really bad day?"

Oh, SH**

This is like pulic speaking. I don't want to blurt out some rubbish or any word vomit... I was playing in my mind how I would answer to the question. We were introduced to Paolo (can I call him 'Paolo'.. LOL). And then....

The camera started rolling.

He asks us our names.

"Eli..." "Zai..." "Elaine...."

Then, the question...

"What do you do when you are having a bad day... (and blah blah blah, I can't remember the other lines, my mind is panicking)?"

The next thing I knew, the microphone is directed to my face....

"I.... "

And it happened. So happy that I kept my cool and said the things that I really planned to say. Hmm.. the first thing on my mind after the whole ordeal...

"Thank you Cossack... wahahahahhah!"

Then, we watched the Cosplay fashion show, signed the daMeat attendance and watched/listened to the bands. We also saw Pepe Smith. (we will be the last performer for the night.) wheeeee!

While we were watching a band, my mom texted me that she's home and she have nothing to eat at home. I felt guilty. So I told my friends that I want to go home... I was a bit sad because I was waiting for the performance of a Goth band. I missed their performance last year and I want to hear them play.

It was 7pm and we are hungry, we stopped by the food court and bought sushi and fries. My sister sent an SMS about her bringing food to the house so I was a bit relieved. So we went home by 8pm.. I didn't get to hear the band play but I felt a bit okay.

I feared that one of them might feel left out. But we all had fun. It was a night of firsts especially for Laine. And it certainly is a night we will not forget.

In Just One Word...

2008-09-02T01:36:00.000-07:00

Perhaps, the issue is a bit petty. But the statement beneath the action speaks of something far more than just who owns what. It's about respect. I am, in fact, 6 years her senior.

I haven't spoken to her sine the last week of June. My only way of conveying how I felt was through Friendster. I dare not confront her personally because I know how my tongue could get uncontrolable in this kind of situation. I choose not to speak. After several messages in Friendster, I waited.

That was about two months ago. My brother would ask me, when will I forgive her. I replied, "I am teaching her a lesson. I do not feel any anger for her anymore. I have told her how I felt and the reason why I felt that way. I am just waiting for the words she should have said the moment I expressed how I resented her actions."

That day came.

I was walking one Thursday noon, headed for work. I saw her at the end of the covered walk. I took my mobile phone and tried to ignore her. Inside my mind, I wanted to say, are you not going to ask for forgiveness?

At the center of the walkway she stopped. I moved to the other side, she was blocking my way. But she stood at my way. I looked up. I saw her eyes welled with tears.

"Sorry..."

And she leaned over and put her arms around me.

The words were hardly heard by the ear. But the heart hears. My heart heard it. She was sorry. In the past two month, she locked herself in her house, never told anyone about what had happened. Her mother knew, but did not say anything. She was a bit miserable. I know. She wouldn't break down like that if she wasn't.

Was I harsh? I don't think so. I would be worse if I just let that chance to teach her slip away.

It started with Juddha...

2008-08-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

You've read it right. Juddha, as in, Juddha Paolo. And no, I am not some crazed fan who went ga-ga with the sight of a celebrity. Well, this is how it really started.

I told my friends (two actually, one that I met in the University/Dorm and the other when I transferred to another school, and they don't know each other) about the Art and Music Festival in the Megatrade Hall 3 in Megamall. I went there last year, alone, and thought since my friends from the University and I, Laine, are planning to meet for coffee in different malls, we should meet there. I also invited my other friend, El, to the said event because when I went there for the first time, I ditched the school's Socialization Night (where our Department in in charge of the decorations). Besides, we all are art(in any form) lovers and are hmmmmm.... artists.

I told Laine to meet me in Gloria Jean's. We talked about the current events in our lives, then, I received an SMS from El telling me that he had arrived. He headed first to the Festival before meeting with us in the coffee shop, as I instructed him.

So there, El, this is Laine.. Laine, this is El. Now, stop pretending that you are such shy people becasue I know you're not. :P

After an hour of talking(and making sure that none of them felt out of place) we decided to head for the Arts and Music Festival. We walked around, looked at the stalls and the art exhibit. Then, we heard the Poetry/Spoken Word performance start. To be honest, some performers were just so-so, some were really great. Then, there was this guy. I didn't actually recognize him. I thought he was just a poet/performer, until I heard that he was, in fact, Juddha Paolo, TV host and Actor (made known by Coke's Hotta Hotta commercial).

He was really good -not just performance-wise, but also the piece he recited.

Laine and I decided to do the unthinkable. We dared to apporach him for a photo to document the event. I could remember these words said (these are reworded)

"Can I take your pic?"
"Kayo lang po."
"Sama na kayo, di naman ako Sto. Nino."
"Sige na, sama ka na, Laine."
"Bakit ka nanginginig?"
"Starstrucked?"
"Okay lang yan..."

After that we were both shaky. We each took a cup (and another for Hackette) from the Cossack Vodka booth.

Oh MY.....

[end of part one]

Paint It Black

2008-08-30T07:52:00.000-07:00

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

I see a line of cars and theyre all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a new born baby it just happens evry day
I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and it has been painted black
Maybe then Ill fade away and not have to face the facts
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin sun
My love will laugh with me before the mornin comes

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colors anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
Hmm, hmm, hmm,...

I wanna see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I wanna see the sun blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Yeah!

I've heard this song sung by Within Temptaion and automatically fell in love with it... :D

Tag... (from multiply)

2008-08-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

annie's multiply blog gave me an idea.. haha (other than filling this blog with my horrid case of fangirl syndrome)

THE RULES - each blogger starts with ten random facts/habits about themselves. - bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their ten things and post these rules. - at the end of your blog, you need to choose ten people to get tagged and list their names. - don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your blog.
1.I started attending Anime/Manga/Hobbies Conventions in the year 2006. I wanted to go to those events then but I am unsure of my navigation skillls.

2. My best friend calls me, P-chan (aka Ryouga) from Ranma 1/2. Probably because I'm fat :( and CUTE. well, that fits me perfectly because, I think I don't have a good sense of direction. (so far, never pa akong naligaw). But she calls me Andou(from Heroes, she's Hiro) lately. (and i mish me beshtfrend very much)

3. I bought lots of books but haven't finished reading them all. I bought a lot of anime DVD's but haven't finished watching them, too.

4. I am extremely shy I feel awkward in social situations. Most people don't believe me when I tell them this.

5. I was always considered a weirdo in school. And I am proud of it. I dislike being ordinary.

6. I haven't finished any of my novels. I guess, I am not really a writer. :(

7. I usually give 'good' advice to people who have problems with their relationships. I haven't been in a relationship. :) and Is not planning to be in a relationship for a very long time.

8. I am career oriented. I can't see myself settling down and starting my own family. I am not very fond of kids.

9. I once hated the color pink. I realize there is no point in hating that color. I was limiting the use of that color to girly stuff.

10. I am a closet kikay. If I can easily find clothes that suit me (that means, pag mas payat ako), i would probably dress up a lot depending on my mood.

(paningit: ako ay currently isang fan girl ni Michael Phelps.... creepy)

i am also tagging all people who read this post...

And He did it...

2008-08-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

Michael Phelps has completed his gold medal quest beating the 7 gold medal record of Mark Spitz, ending his 36-year reigh as the athlete with the most number of gold medals won in an Olympic game.

Whoa..

I wasn't really interested with the Olympics. (except for the opening program and artistic gymnastic) Dreams of seeing an Filipino athlete won a gold medal for our country has slowly dwindled through the years.

This year, I frequently visit yahoo for news on this American swimmer's goal to beat a World Record. I really didn't have doubts on his ability. Soon, gold medals keep coming in event after event, until now with his quest completed. :D

I don't really know what to feel. I wasn't really a fan. Well, maybe I am now. :D

note: image is from http://www.ksbw.com/sports/17209189/detail.html. visit the site for more info

Movie Mania

2008-07-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

It was probably because we haven't seen a movie an months... and yeah, there have been lots of good movies. ah, excuses...

My sister and I watched 2 movies this weekend. Well actually, we watched the other one on a Monday.

That Saturday we feasted our eyes on a dancing (and toe-touching) Meryl Streep, a singing (with a really strained voice) Pierce Brosnan and a gay(I still can't believe it) Colin Firth.

We are musical lovers and we enjoyed crazy antics and of course, the music by ABBA. :D Amanda Seyfried indeed is a very promising talent.

We also made it a point to watch the film which stars a young actor whose recent death has made the it the most talked about movie of the year. And, the movie didn't fail our expectations.

What makes this film work? The casting is great. The dialogues are great. The overall feel of the film is great. Even the transitions are perfected. This is the best hero film of all time. :D
(will post a long overdue review)

We are happy. Each single peso we spent is really worth it. :D

Sayonara Baby

2008-07-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

My dog [accidentally] bit me.

The wound bled. I am now taking anti-rabies shots. And worst of all,

We sent our dog to the dog pound to be killed. :(

As of June 13, Friday, my dog was subject to lethal injection and was incinerated. I could bear the pain of the 12 needles, but the memory of my dog still haunts not only me, but my whole family.

He will always be remembered. Our desktop wallpaper bears his image, taken 31st December 2007, 10PM. [will soon post desktop screenshot]

As to why we chose to let him die, I will post an entry about it soon. Not now when the wounds are still fresh. Somehow, I still blame myself for what has happened.

The First Few Errands

2008-06-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

After a few days working as a Graphic/Lay-Out Artist in a Photography and Multimedia Production Company, I have moved on to a new and better job.

The job description wasn't really specific. I should do a wide range of stuff like correspondence, magazine lay-out and even web page maintenance and other stuff. For the first few days, I don't feel like I am working at all. But after a week and a half of down time, I had my first errand.

I made the envelops for mailing the latest issue of the organization's magazine. After mailing, there was a week of relax, then after that, more errands followed.

I also did some correspondence, and re layout for the next magazine. :D

The fund part is, I went to a exhibit opening in Art Verite in Serendra.. I am really hoping to have more exposure to contemporary art in the Philippines... and someday, I could also be part of the art movement in this country. :D

The Rebirth of the Prince

2008-06-06T23:45:00.000-07:00

A film review on The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
(WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD)

This year, 2008, Walt Disney and Walden Media brought to the big screen the 4th book (2nd - if according to year written) of the Chronicles of Narnia, Prince Caspian. The story has undergone a bit of changes. From a children's story of a young prince, it was evolved into a dark tale of revenge and betrayal.

The younger years of Caspian is not feature in the film; the time when he was a boy who was very fond of his nurse and the stories of old Narnia. The movie started with the birth of King Miraz' son. This lead to his escape from the castle because of the plan to murder the prince.

Scenes were also added that were entirely different from the original text. The castle of King Miraz was attacked by the Narnians lead by The High King Peter. Within that sequence, they rescued the prince' tutor, Cornelius.

Aside from the attack, the death of King Miraz was changed from humiliation to betrayal. The River god, who in the book destroyed the bridge before the Telmarines retreated, destroyed the bridge as the trees attack and drowned the Telmarines. Susan, who was supposed to be by Lucy's side, ended up with the Kings and Prince Caspian.

Some of the characters were also introduced to some changes. Prince Caspian, who was a boy in his teens in the book, seemed older and filled with angst. The High King Peter has become a bit indignant. Several scenes show conflict between the two which was supposed to be very unlikely. In the book, Caspian has shown great respect to the High King.

Romance between Prince Caspian and Queen Susan (eeeek!) is also added. There are many times within the whole movie that the two would shot meaningful glances at each other. And in the end, as the Pevensies bid farewell to their Narnian friends, Queen Susan kissed Prince Caspian. (GAH!!!!! x_X)

If there are characters that really stand out it would be Reepicheep, was in fact, the most lovable character in the movie. He is was the exact replica of the noble mouse in the book. ("You're a mouse?")

How they brought Narnia to life, like the first film, is truly outstanding. Every scene is like a painting; every shot, perfect. Their attention to detail is remarkable. From the ruins, to the forests, to Miraz' castle and Aslan's How, they have turned the story into a real world. The score added more magic and emotion to the movie. Regina Spektor's voice is simply divine. :)(the first though in my mind: Must buy the soundtrack....)

To sum it up, for me, the movie has a more lasting effect than the first one. (Probably, because of the action and ....BB as C... hahaha!) Some themes and scenes were added to increase its market. But they have compromised some of the characters' persona. It was a rebirth. They somehow reinvented the story to attract more moviegoers but have tampered with the story's spirit. I am not really that disappointed, some changes could be done but the essence of the story should not be compromised.

The Prince Caspian Widget

2008-06-06T00:25:00.001-07:00

will soon post a review on the film... for now... let me just say (even if i sound too corny) ang cute ni CASPIAN.... at ni REEPICHEEP...

Prince Caspian

2008-06-05T23:56:00.000-07:00

"Everything you know is about to change forever."

The long wait is finally over. Prince Caspian is now showing here in the Philippines!

We(my siblings and I) set a date to watch the much awaited film. And I was not disappointed.(note: I like films that has an effect on me, even long after I watched it.) I loved how they brought to life the characters like Reepicheep and Trumpkin. However, I was a bit annoyed because of THAT thing going on between Queen Susan and Prince Caspian... (grrrr... Caspian is mine >.<)

Will write a film review soon. I must reread the book. Rereading the book could help me find insights on how the story was changed to fit film and the market.... oki oki...

and yeah, let me just say.... CASPIAN is SOOOO CUTE.... (sheesh....)

Temporary Template Change

2008-06-03T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have changed my template temporarily. :) I wanted a new design... :0 but i don't think i have the time or skill to create a new blog design.. *sigh...

May

2008-06-02T20:02:00.001-07:00

(Oh my... I have been very busy lately....)

May, may, may... these are the highlights of my May 08

May 15 - I resigned from my first job so I can go to Tagum and because of a BETTER job offer. :)

May 16 - We moved from the McLennan House to an apartment... whew! tiring...

May 20 - On board Cebu Pacific bound for Davao City.... Tagum here I come!!!

May 20-27 - In Tagum City, visited friends..etc..etc

May 31 - Mangaholix Manga Mania!!! Wheee

I might post a longer post regarding the may 20-27 and may 31 events... Sure wish I have more time...

April

2008-04-27T02:01:00.000-07:00

This year, April is not just my birth month or the summer month. April 2008 has been one fun month.

April 5 - I attended my first Con for the year, OzineFest 2008. I almost pass out due to the huge number of people in that small amount of space but, I had fun. I saw lots of cosplayers and had pics with them... and bought DVD's. (Starts dreaming of cosplaying)

April 9 - My first day at work. I am currently working for a Wedding Photography and Video Coverage Co. I layout pics for albums, etc. A bit fun actually, sitting in front of the PSCS3. :) that also meant that 15th is my first payday. :)

April 17 - Recognition for Graduates with Honors.....

April 20 - I attended the Vesper service and there was a thanksgiving thingie for Faye, Tasky and Me.

hmmm.... many other things happened.. like being scolded for a work badly done and my first sweldo but duh.... I don't really need to add that, ayt? Anyway, May is fast approaching and I am really looking forward for the planned and unplanned events.... :)

note: posted this 3 June 08... sheesh... more than a month late...

Enrai

2008-04-11T21:31:00.001-07:00

sukima nai nyuudougumo no shita
ano hi wa haha to futari
higasa o sashite te o hikare
aruiteta natsu no michi

semishigure ni kiesou na koe de
nando mo itta
"minna hitori de ikite yuku mono
furikaeranai"

osanasugiru watashi wa kitto
kotaerarenai koto o kiki
anata no senaka de itsu shika
nemutteta naki mo sezu

kore kara kuru yuudachi no yokan
hibiku enrai
are kara no watashitachi o maru de
uranau you na

ano hi no anata ni chikadzuite
hajimete wakaru
totsuzen shagamikonde nagashita
saigo no namida

anata no kimochi
ano natsu no nioi

I really love this song...

Phoenix' Lament

2008-02-24T18:39:00.000-08:00

I burned for you
Yet you stabbed me at my core
And in one swift blow
My wings turned to embers
Back into the ashes I once was

I will once again rise
As the wind sweeps away the ashes
I will burn a flame
Far stronger than before
I will burn for you no more

...i think i still have to edit this.. what do you think?

A Piece of Poetry

2008-02-16T22:47:00.000-08:00

In the past year, I haven't written much literary works. Not until this week, hah! the Valentine's week...

rain dance

vast emptiness
I thought
never would my heart be alive
in this nothingness

days, hours, minutes
I traveled through endless drought
blending in the crowd
'til I feel no more

but I feel the pulse of a drum beating
in synchrony
my limbs would move
commanding the sky, "hear me"

the first steady drizzle
meant nothing
the following rain fall
was what my heart has been waiting

I am human
you are god
that quenched the thirst
of my drying heart

I don't really think that this is done well. But it is the first poem I have written this year. :)

2007

2008-01-14T02:19:00.000-08:00

Sheesh. Here goes...

RAVES
- I have been in several events. I attended the ToyCon, HeroCon, Arts and Music Festival and the Glasshouse Graphics' Comic Creation Seminar.

- Fantakada is released. I got my last 3 Beerkada comics signed by Mr. Lyndon Gregorio during ToyCon. All of my Beerkada books are signed. :)

- We (3 Engineering Students and I) won First place in the school's Quiz Bee.

- After 4 years, I joined the choir's outing in Laguna.

- I got to buy books in Doulos - the biggest floating bookstore in the world. It is the last visit of Doulos in Manila. I bought a book on arts for only 500PhP yey!!

- We experienced an icy Christmas through Star City's Snow World.

- I got my first 1.0. whee!!

RANTS
- Issues in the 2 choirs I'm in has become a huge headache...

- There is tension between a teacher and my classmates...

- I was knocked off the Dean's List due to a low grade given by a/an ******* teacher.

- I developed a problem with my muscles/tendons in my feet.

07 has been a great year. I dared to do things that I usually not do and has become aware of what really want and who I really am. Have a Blessed New Year to all!!!

inday pa rin si Inday

2007-11-07T19:23:00.000-08:00

I have thought of something sensible (I guess) to post.
---

The first Inday joke that I have read was her resignation letter. At first, I thought it was the only joke about Inday, a very intelligent maid. After a few days, someone sent me more Inday quotes and jokes.

Then, my sister one day went home talking about the influx of these SMS jokes. I can't say that I am really happy with this but somehow it changed how people look at the name INDAY.

Inday is a Cebuano word used to call or to refer to a female, usually younger ones. As years go by, many Filipinos from Visayas and Mindanao, travelled to Luzon to work. There is scarcityy of work in those areas. Most of the females end up as maids. With that, the definition of the word changed. Inday is now 'a maid.'

With that change of definition, the people who speaks Cebuano are now seen as 'maids.' Even in television, the usual Filipino maid are portrayed as 'bisaya.'

I don't think that being a maid is bad. It is a decent job, if you are only working as a maid. But to box people, to make it a stereotype, that is something that I detest.

I can't help but to recall how the Filipinos reacted on that Desperate Housewives episode. They cried 'racial discrimination' but look at how they discriminate their own neighbors. As I see it, Filipinos discriminate others. They put labels on other people especially those from other regions.

I am happy that Inday has become a very intelligent person. But that doesn't change the fact that she is still seen as a maid.
-----

I recently added blogniinday.com in my links (under Peeps).

I dreamt of..

2007-09-18T00:25:00.000-07:00

Ms. Alodia Gosiengfiao. Don't know her? Visit her at http://blackmage9.deviantart.com

I haven't seen her personally, but I want to. I knew about her through magazines and DeviantArt. It really felt weird that I woke up one day with her in my dream... sheesh..

Hare Hare Yukai

2007-09-11T01:49:00.000-07:00

Vocals: Suzumiya Haruhi, Nagato Yuki, Asahina Mikuru

Nazonazo mitai ni chikyuugi o tokiakashitara
Minna de doko made mo ikeru ne
Wakuwakushitai to negainagara sugoshiteta yo
Kanaete kureta no wa dare na no?
Jikan no hate made Boooon!!
Waapu de ruupu na kono omoi wa
Nani mo kamo o makikonda souzou de asobou

Aru hareta hi no koto
Mahou ijou no yukai ga
Kagirinaku furisosogu
Fukanou ja nai wa

Ashita mata au toki
Warainagara hamingu
Ureshisa o atsumeyou
Kantan nanda yo
Ko-n-na-no
Oikakete ne
Tsukamaete mite
Ooki na yume & yume
Suki deshou?

Iroiro yosou ga dekisou de dekinai mirai
Sore de mo hitotsu dake wakaru yo
Kirakira hikatte
Atsui kumo no ue o kazaru
Hoshi-tachi ga kibou o kureru to
Jikan ni norou yo Byuuuuun!!
Chiipu de kuuru na toshigoro da mon
Samishigaccha hazukashii yo nante ne
Iwasete

Te to te o tsunaidara
Mukau toko muteki desho
Kagayaita hitomi ni wa
Fukanou ga nai no
Ue dake mite iru to

Namida mo kawaichau
“Kawaritai!”
Kokoro kara tsuyoku omou hodo
Tsu-ta-wa-ru
Hashiridasu yo
Ushiro no hito mo oide yo
Dokidokih Suru deshou?
Boooon!!
Waapu de ruupu na kono omoi wa
Nani mo kamo o makikonda souzou de asobou

Aru hareta hi no koto
Mahou ijou no yukai ga
Kagirinaku furisosogu
Fukanou ja nai wa
Ashita mata au toki
Warainagara hamingu
Ureshisa o atsumeyou
Kantan nanda yo
Ko-n-na-no
Oikakete ne
Tsukamaete mite
Ooki na yume & yume
Suki deshou?

English!
If I solve the globe like a riddle
Then I can go anywhere with everyone
I’ve lived while wishing to be excited
Who granted it?
To the end of time, Boooon!!
This warping and loopy thought of mine
Will play in my imagination that just might have swept in everything
On one sunny day
The fun beyond magic
Pours limitlessly; it’s not impossible
When we meet again tomorrow, I’ll be humming while laughing
Let’s gather up happiness
It’s so simple by-this-much
Chase it, try catching it
We love a big dream & dream, right?

Various predictions can seem to but cannot imagine what the future is like
Nevertheless, I understand just one thing
The twinkling stars that decorate above the thick clouds
Give me hope, and-Let’s ride on time, Byuuuuun!!
It’s a cheap and cool age
Let me say that it’s embarrassing to get lonely
If we hold our hands together
Then where we face will be invincible, right?
Impossibility doesn’t exist in our shining eyes
If we’re only looking up, then our tears dry up, too
“I want to change!”
I’ll tell you as strongly as I think from my heart
We’ll start running; desert the people behind you
Our hearts will pound, right?Boooon!!
This warping and loopy thought of mine
Will play in my imagination that just might have swept in everything
On one sunny day
The fun beyond magic
Pours limitlessly; it’s not impossible
When we meet again tomorrow, I’ll be humming while laughing
Let’s gather up happiness
It’s so simple by-this-much
Chase it, try catching it
We love a big dream & dream, right?

New blah blah blah...

2007-09-11T01:15:00.000-07:00

Part of making my new gmail account my official mail address is setting up a new blogpage- that is because blogger and gmail are connected. I put the link of my old blog here.. uhm, i change its address and use its former address in this blog. (er, confusing eh!)

Dare

2007-09-04T19:46:00.000-07:00

decisions.. decisions

another way out finding more about oneself is by analyzing the decisions that person makes.

the past weekend has been crazier (i guess) than the usual becuse i decided to let it be the i wanted it to be. i got sick and tired of boredom and monotony haunting my life. with that in mind, i jumped to decisions that can be risky just because i want to see how it would end up.

so, how crazy did my weeked get?

friday, i skipped afternoon classes to go to a comic creation seminar. i headed to Megamall, alone on a school day without anybody from my family knowing it. well, since i posted this in my blog, my sister will know it... (please do keep this a secret)

armed with an alibi- we were finishing decorations for the school's acquaintance party - i went home a bit late. luckily, they did not ask where i've been or why was i late? that prevented me from lying... ha!

the next day, i went there again. when i arrived the poetry performance has already stated and after that Sing India, Drum Connection, Juana, Julliane, the Dorques and Ducklings performed. (i don't think this is in right order) There was also a Body Art Fashion Show and the Cosplay/Anime Fashion show.... and yeah drinks were free... (water and gin mixed with soda or juice) I was a bit bored at first. but after a while i felt happy even if i am alone. i didn't get to see the other performers since i have to leave. dasma, cavite is far. I have to catch a bus...

as for the sunday....

When I say crazy, I don’t exactly mean out of this world – just unusual. The event simply does not go along with the usual weekend… ayt? So let me continue….

I really wanted to go back to The Arts and Music Festival that Sunday but I have to go to church and later help a friend with her graduation pictures. We left home early to attend the 10 AM service where our choir was requested to sing. As usual, we faced a problem about food. Ah, I don’t have to elaborate on that.

Anyway, before we left to the studio, I busied myself with a two berry cheesecake from a nearby convenience store. We(some choir members and I) did not eat the cake immediately. We took pictures of it… haha! we were practicing taking pictures using a DSLR in manual setting. Sigh, I wish I have one…

After that, Tasky and I went to the studio to have her pictures taken. We anticipated a two hour shoot. But the two hours slowly turned 3, then 4.. then, another hour and a half was added. I freaked out. If you live in a distant suburban area and you are stuck at the other end of the city at eleven in the evening, you will know how I felt. Add my mother’s angry SMS… and yeah, my sister is waiting at church and she has work the next day and her uniforms are all in the hamper. Wheee!

In the end, we decided to stay in the condominium unit of my sister’s best friend in Makati . Early morning of Monday, we left the unit and went home.

And that concludes my weird weekend. J That experience was loads of fun…what would happen in the next weekends? Sure hope it could be as fun as this!

Transformed

2007-08-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

Many friends are surpised to see the pictures in m Friendster Account.

I am trying to rip off all the really gloomy and punk costume and be someone who I really am. Of course, I still like some gothic and some punk music, but that is just a part of eclectic taste. Honestly, leaving the univ to be with my family has really been helpful. I am starting to answer man of my life's uncertainties. I am starting to know myself more. I am no longer as confused as before.

I discovered that I must focus on my talent in visual art, first. I was juggling over visual art, literture and theater. After a year, I have improved my visual art skills and talent, I haven't touched my novels, and dreams of being in the theater has slowly decreased.

I also returned to my original self - the childish, anime and j-culture fan... I am no rakista. I just appreciate songs and artists. I am not the goody goody girl. No one has ever thought of me as such. My temper is... ^_^ hehe scary? I am notomboy. I could be friendly with the XY's but my way of life is really different from them.

This is me - a closet kikay, a j-culture fanatic, a book and music lover, a geek... an artist. I will not be someone just because the world wants me to be like that. I am me. No one can change that.

So Hard...

2007-07-29T13:46:00.000-07:00

So Hard...

It is hard to start talking about the current family situation. I often feel tired and stressed just thinking about it. Life lessons that we already heard and perhaps have not yet grasped keep on repeating itself through our experiences.. (Am I making sense.. or is that sentence rubbish?)

Anyway, the dreaded hyperacidity is back.

I am seriously thinking of resigning as the College Council's PRO. I think it is pointless to serve people who does not deserve to be respected or helped. But who am I to judge them? I should not let the opportunity to help pass. But after all their comments and rants, I really feel traumatized.

I also want to keep distance from a teacher who has also been a friend. There are a lot of times when her decisions are unfair, biased and just simply unbelievable.

As for home, I think life is crazier now with all the problems and stuff that I can't say here.

ZAZAI in ToyCon 2007

2007-07-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since I traveled to SM Megamall for the 6th Philippine Toys, Hobbies, and Collectibles Convention. Honestly, it was my first time to go to such event and I was a bit uncomfortable. I fear that I might feel out of place and everyone there knows each other. I went there with a classmate who excitedly cancelled his plans for the weekend upon hearing mine. I don’t really mind him coming with me but I wished that he wouldn’t act like a naïve kid who gets fascinated with trivial things… err, ranting again sorry .

It has been years since I went to Megamall so we had a little trouble looking for the Megatrade Hall. In a few minutes I realized… duh! There are vicinity maps by the escalators. So, gleefully, we head to the 5th Floor of Building B.

Though, i did not get to meet the deviant artists that i wanted to meet, buying that amount of plushies makes me uber happy. July 17-18 definitely was one of the happiest days of my life. Maybe, next time, I will be cosplaying .....

Okay Okay Okay

2007-06-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

I hate pink.

But come to think of it, considering pink as the color the uber-feminine prefers makes me feel like I am putting walls around the hue. That also means I am labeling it as that something which can not be used in a different way or by different kind of people. Here are some stuff that I've read from Sensational Color (http://www.sensationalcolor.com/):

HOW THE COLOR PINK EFFECTS US
Bright pinks have the same effect on us as red. They stimulate energy and can increase the blood pressure, respiration, heartbeat, and pulse rate.
Bright pinks also encourage action and confidence.
Pink has been used in prison holding cells to effectively to reduce erratic behavior.

PINK AROUND THE GLOBE
The pink ribbon is an internationally recognized symbol of hope and awareness in the fight against breast cancer.
In Japan, the color pink has a masculine association. The annual blooming of the cherry trees, with it's pink blossoms, each spring ( the Sakura ) is said to represent the young Japanese warriors who fell in battle in the prime of life ( the Samurai).
The city of Jaipur City is a foremost tourist attraction in India because of its superlative forts, grandiose palaces, vivacious temples, multicolored bazaars, pulsating streets and its distinguished pink color to which the city owes its oft-used name 'The Pink City'. Learn more about this colorful city

Marrakesh is another city associated with the color pink. It is sometimes refered to as the "Rose City", describing it's salmon pink colored buildings and the red clay of it's terrain. Learn more about the Rose City

RELIGIOUS & MYTHOLOGICAL ASSOCIATIONS OF PINK
Pink signifies happiness and joy in Catholicism.

POLITICAL ASSOCIATIONS OF PINK
A pink triangle is frequently used to represent gays, lesbians, and bisexuals.
The origin of the pink triangle goes back to when Nazis labeled their prisoners in concentration camps. Men who had been jailed because of supposed homosexuality had to wear the pink triangle on their clothing. In more recent times, this symbol is a sign of pride.

With that, I will no longer hate that color. Just don't let me wear anything pink. :)

The Flavor of Life

2007-06-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

(Utada Hikaru)

Arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayonara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

tomodachi demo koibito demo nai chuukan chiten de
shuukaku no hi wo yumemiteru aoi furu-tsu
ato ippo ga fumidasenai sei de
jirettai no nan notte? baby~

arigatou to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

amai dake no sasoi monku ajike no nai doku
sonna mono ni wa kyoumi wa sosorarenai
omoitoori ni ikanai toki datte
jinsei suteta mon janai tte

doushita no? to kyuu ni kikareru to “uun. nandemo nai”
sayounara no ato ni kieru egao watashi rashikunai
sinjitai to negaeba negau hodo nandaka setsunai
“aishiteru yo” yori mo “daisuki” no hou ga kimi rashii janai?
The flavor of life

wasurekakete ita hito no omoi wo totsuzen omoidasu koro
furitsumoru yuki no shirosa wo omou to sunao ni yorokobitai yo

daiyamondo yorimo yawarakakute atatakana mirai
teni shitai yo kagiri aru jikan wo kimi to sugoshitai
“arigatou” to kimi ni iwareru to nandaka setsunai
sayounara no ato no tokenu mahou awaku horonigai
The flavor of life

ENGLISH:

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness.
The flavor of life

Stuck midpoint between friends and lovers,
like an un-riped fruit dreaming about the day of harvest
because of being unable to just move one more step forward
what’s causing this frustration baby

When you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesn’t
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness
The flavor of life

Sweet talk and tasteless conversations.
it sparks no interest in me
even when things do not go the way you want
it doesnt mean you’ve thrown your life away

When asked ‘ whats wrong?’
I answer ‘its nothing’
The smile that disappears after goodbye
It’s unlike me

The more i wish to believe in you,
For some reason it hurts even more
‘i like you a lot’ instead of ‘i love you’ sounds more like you
the flavor of life

the period when you suddenly remember the scent of someone you had almost forgotten
I want to be able to openly and honestly cherish the white purity of the falling snow more

A future tender and warmer than a diamond
i want to grasp it, in this limited time we have, i want to spend it with you

when you say thank you to me,
for some reason it hurts,
Like a magic spell that doesnt
get undone even after the good bye.
a hint of bitterness
The flavor of life

And Now I'm Back to School

2007-06-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

sheesh...

I must admit, I really didn't enjoy my vacation. First, i did not pursue my plans. Second, I got sick. Then, my image files are all gone. I couldn't finish a deviation or even add a few pages in my novel. I rarely visit my blog and my other web accounts. And lastly, my hubby's (My PC) memory is back to 256MB because the other RAM died.

And now, I am back to school.

At least, the summer had one very good end... i lost a lot of weight. (it is not obvious,though...err... but the weighing scale doesn't lie!):) hurrah!!!

After 2 Months...

2007-05-21T19:54:00.000-07:00

... i wasn't able to pursue my plans for summer
... my tonsils hurt
... i starting to behave like my old self again
... i can translate a few Japanese sentences to English
... i improved my waterclor painting skills

... i am typing a new blog entry

hmm...